I spoke with two professors yesterday and I was relatively convinced that I was going to transition to academia… but then I came in and talked it over with my boss. After that conversation, I had an epiphany… this situation is very similar to the time I broke up with Eriko, slept on it, and woke up to realize that no - I didn’t want to break up… I just needed to be patient, figure out a way to get through our troubles, and learn to love her - because it was what I wanted.

Isilon has now officially registered for an IPO. How exciting. =)

100 “cool” books.

I guess I was just in the right frame of mind, but somehow I managed to find my way to this paper on perfectionism. It really hit home. I do think of myself as gifted - but in recent times that faith has been shaken. Quite honestly, it has been somewhat of a roller coaster - affected largely by events around me. As I mature physically, emotionally, and spiritually, my quest to understand myself gains more importance. Believing that this quest is worth it, despite the pain of effort, is my first step towards peace.

I woke up at 5 AM to review some design documents in preparation for a 7 AM online discussion. Why? Because I had agreed to do so, and I couldn’t let others down. Is that because I fear for my job or because I have some deeper sense of responsibility. I think it is most likely the former. How can I use this to motivate and drive me to do other things I want? Mathematics, Japanese - there is no pressure to learn these subjects; no clear consequences. I don’t yet have the internal disipline to act without external pressure. I am able to study when I am enrolled in a course at UW. Granted, I do only what I need to do to get a good grade; there is certainly additional material I could read or projects I could work on if I was truly interested in knowing more - but I stop once I think I have a 4.0 (or a good shot at it.) I have seemingly high expectations for myself but lower follow-through - I set many goals, most of which are likely unrealistic. I’ve learned to fail so many of my goals that I don’t know how to set attainable ones; yet my ambition and capacity for dreaming has never really slowed. The result is that I still don’t know how to set and keep reasonable goals for myself; instead I make too many and keep too few. Granted, I achieve many things - but the satisifaction of the success is dulled by the failures - even if the failures were unavoidable. I know I have to specialize, I have to focus, I have to choose just a few things to build goals and ambitions around - but what?