I woke up at 5 AM to review some design documents in preparation for a 7 AM online discussion. Why? Because I had agreed to do so, and I couldn’t let others down. Is that because I fear for my job or because I have some deeper sense of responsibility. I think it is most likely the former. How can I use this to motivate and drive me to do other things I want? Mathematics, Japanese - there is no pressure to learn these subjects; no clear consequences. I don’t yet have the internal disipline to act without external pressure. I am able to study when I am enrolled in a course at UW. Granted, I do only what I need to do to get a good grade; there is certainly additional material I could read or projects I could work on if I was truly interested in knowing more - but I stop once I think I have a 4.0 (or a good shot at it.) I have seemingly high expectations for myself but lower follow-through - I set many goals, most of which are likely unrealistic. I’ve learned to fail so many of my goals that I don’t know how to set attainable ones; yet my ambition and capacity for dreaming has never really slowed. The result is that I still don’t know how to set and keep reasonable goals for myself; instead I make too many and keep too few. Granted, I achieve many things - but the satisifaction of the success is dulled by the failures - even if the failures were unavoidable. I know I have to specialize, I have to focus, I have to choose just a few things to build goals and ambitions around - but what?

I’ve spent the last 4 years at Isilon without being fully committed to doing my best. With my decision to finally take the position seriously, I find myself woefully inadequate. Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself or perhaps my expectations are too high, but I know that I’m not as technically saavy as my peers, nor am I as socially saavy. Some of this may be due to lack of experience or lack of competition - ironically, I reached a local maxima too quickly and my rate of growth slowed tremendously. I got lazy, I took shortcuts. The end result is that I’m weak.

The big question is, what am I going to do about it?

It seems like there is a point of life where you take stock and decide to either get back in the running or let yourself go. I can’t imagine doing the latter (even though that’s clearly the path I’ve been on) and am unsure if or how I can do the former.

This isn’t just a work thing - I’m physically out-of-shape, I’m mentally out-of-shape, and I’m probably emotionally out-of-shape as well.

I’m a horse that has been led to water. Will I drink?

I don’t feel fulfilled at Isilon. I haven’t quite figured it out - I have fantasies of being in Japan, fantasies of being in graduate school, fantasies of being involved with Mathematics - but I don’t know if those are just tools to escape the present or real dreams. I don’t know if I would be at Isilon if I wasn’t worried about finances. What if I had all the money in the world? What would I do? This is something very serious to think about.