I’ve spent the last 4 years at Isilon without being fully committed to doing my best. With my decision to finally take the position seriously, I find myself woefully inadequate. Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself or perhaps my expectations are too high, but I know that I’m not as technically saavy as my peers, nor am I as socially saavy. Some of this may be due to lack of experience or lack of competition - ironically, I reached a local maxima too quickly and my rate of growth slowed tremendously. I got lazy, I took shortcuts. The end result is that I’m weak.

The big question is, what am I going to do about it?

It seems like there is a point of life where you take stock and decide to either get back in the running or let yourself go. I can’t imagine doing the latter (even though that’s clearly the path I’ve been on) and am unsure if or how I can do the former.

This isn’t just a work thing - I’m physically out-of-shape, I’m mentally out-of-shape, and I’m probably emotionally out-of-shape as well.

I’m a horse that has been led to water. Will I drink?

I don’t feel fulfilled at Isilon. I haven’t quite figured it out - I have fantasies of being in Japan, fantasies of being in graduate school, fantasies of being involved with Mathematics - but I don’t know if those are just tools to escape the present or real dreams. I don’t know if I would be at Isilon if I wasn’t worried about finances. What if I had all the money in the world? What would I do? This is something very serious to think about.