I guess I was just in the right frame of mind, but somehow I managed to find my way to this paper on perfectionism. It really hit home. I do think of myself as gifted - but in recent times that faith has been shaken. Quite honestly, it has been somewhat of a roller coaster - affected largely by events around me. As I mature physically, emotionally, and spiritually, my quest to understand myself gains more importance. Believing that this quest is worth it, despite the pain of effort, is my first step towards peace.

I woke up at 5 AM to review some design documents in preparation for a 7 AM online discussion. Why? Because I had agreed to do so, and I couldn’t let others down. Is that because I fear for my job or because I have some deeper sense of responsibility. I think it is most likely the former. How can I use this to motivate and drive me to do other things I want? Mathematics, Japanese - there is no pressure to learn these subjects; no clear consequences. I don’t yet have the internal disipline to act without external pressure. I am able to study when I am enrolled in a course at UW. Granted, I do only what I need to do to get a good grade; there is certainly additional material I could read or projects I could work on if I was truly interested in knowing more - but I stop once I think I have a 4.0 (or a good shot at it.) I have seemingly high expectations for myself but lower follow-through - I set many goals, most of which are likely unrealistic. I’ve learned to fail so many of my goals that I don’t know how to set attainable ones; yet my ambition and capacity for dreaming has never really slowed. The result is that I still don’t know how to set and keep reasonable goals for myself; instead I make too many and keep too few. Granted, I achieve many things - but the satisifaction of the success is dulled by the failures - even if the failures were unavoidable. I know I have to specialize, I have to focus, I have to choose just a few things to build goals and ambitions around - but what?

I’ve spent the last 4 years at Isilon without being fully committed to doing my best. With my decision to finally take the position seriously, I find myself woefully inadequate. Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself or perhaps my expectations are too high, but I know that I’m not as technically saavy as my peers, nor am I as socially saavy. Some of this may be due to lack of experience or lack of competition - ironically, I reached a local maxima too quickly and my rate of growth slowed tremendously. I got lazy, I took shortcuts. The end result is that I’m weak.

The big question is, what am I going to do about it?

It seems like there is a point of life where you take stock and decide to either get back in the running or let yourself go. I can’t imagine doing the latter (even though that’s clearly the path I’ve been on) and am unsure if or how I can do the former.

This isn’t just a work thing - I’m physically out-of-shape, I’m mentally out-of-shape, and I’m probably emotionally out-of-shape as well.

I’m a horse that has been led to water. Will I drink?

I don’t feel fulfilled at Isilon. I haven’t quite figured it out - I have fantasies of being in Japan, fantasies of being in graduate school, fantasies of being involved with Mathematics - but I don’t know if those are just tools to escape the present or real dreams. I don’t know if I would be at Isilon if I wasn’t worried about finances. What if I had all the money in the world? What would I do? This is something very serious to think about.