I believe what has occurred recently has been the bursting of the romantic bubble that I have been encased in. I realized what I was feeling, I realized that I was hurt and upset, and I had the courage to act on it. I had to tell Eriko that I was considering leaving her, and why. In some ways I felt as if I could be pushing her away, but I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t upset. My friends have given me good advice – and bad advice. Somehow it seems I have been lucky enough to take the best from each. Eriko understood me, knowing that I grow sick with worry. We want to be together, we want to grow to love each other. I think this is a real step forward.

i realize that i become convinced that you are thinking or feeling some way when it may not be true at all – maybe i am so impatient and demanding that it is easier for me to believe what my head is telling me than to wait for you to give me an answer.

i don’t want to leave you. i want to learn to love you. not just the paltry quick love-at-first-sight but true, deep, meaningful love. i don’t know how to do it, though. i’m clueless, actually. but i figure the best way to start is to be as honest with you that i can be.

so i have recently begun to realize that when i fall in “love” this shield falls over my eyes and numbs my body. it makes me feel euphoric and enslaves me at the same time. i willingly submit to it, unaware of the pain and stress that is being inflicted on my soul. i am a drugged slave, trading my life for a few more minutes of “love.” St. Paul described love (a butchered version):

I don’t know. I just got off the phone with Brian and he told me (and I agree) that I have been a complete and utter idiot.

I put “the cart before the horse,” or rather I thought (and think) of marriage before I establish good lines of communication and really get to know someone.

My heart is wild and I don’t (yet) have the strength or wisdom to control it.

I continue to make comparisons between Baily and Eriko in my head. I never really knew why I picked up Bailey. Part of me says it was because she was so cute; another part says that I felt a need to provide and protect her, since nobody else offered; another part says that I was lonely and jealous of other’s companions. Bailey and I didn’t spend much time together during the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t make time for her and circumstances prevented her from casually interacting with my daily routine. As it was, we grew differently. I’m not sure if it just clicked one day or if it happened more gradually than I can remember, but we began to take note of each other. I can recall the first time I really noticed that she missed me. I had left for Alaska to visit the family and when I came home she laid on my bed and let me rub her tummy. I don’t think she has ever done that again. Now she has become an integral part of my life; it is difficult to imagine life without ! her.

I just arrived at work but I have to remember what I have learned this morning. Over the weekend I sent Eriko a torrent of email – essentially my thoughts and feelings at different points in time. For some reason I was feeling brave and talkative. I woke up this morning about 5:30 and the email response I received from her said “I don’t care what you think.” I laid back in my bed to consider this statement in between naps. I realized the similiarities between this and a moment I had with Melissa, when we were outside Church talking. I had been ranting about the merits of drugs the entire car ride, and although she had offered some mild opposition, I thought she was enjoying the discussion, or at least interested in what I had to say. Naturally, I was way off, and she reacted in fury – yelling and banging her fist against the window. I remember feeling as if I had done absolutely nothing wrong; she could have made it clear she was uncomfortable, etc. Long distance makes things difficult because I don’t know if Eriko’s answer is caused by rage or apathy. In either case, I find her reaction ridiculous and childish. Not that we aren’t all children, but supposedly we are discussing “grown-up” things. As I did with Melissa several years ago, I will do with Eriko – leave her alone; let her figure “it” out. ;P Now onto work.