i can’t concentrate on work, i can’t figure out my homework

my body wants to do nothing but drink water

my mind wants to do nothing but figure you out

i’m scared; i’m alone

i don’t know if you need me or my money

i know that doubt is part of everything; i feel it now

it tears me up; it kills my motivation; it destroys my confidence

it isn’t your fault; nothing is; this is my doubt, my worry

a woman who will leave behind all she knows to begin an adventure with me a woman who understands that a little appreciation goes a long way a woman who realizes that appreciation is never habitual but heartful a woman who knows how to break me and never does a woman who treats my love as a limited and valuable resource a woman who lets me love her a woman who learns to love me

Sweeeeet, I got another 100. All this means is that I’ve got to keep it up! It was a little difficult to concentrate on dynamic & linear programming tonight, however, as I was thinking of Eriko. I am a little frustrated that she hasn’t met my family yet. That seems to be a very crucial step along the road for us to get married. What is confusing is that she is willing to allow me to pay off her loan, but she doesn’t seem to let me buy her a ticket. She may be willing, but she isn’t putting forth the effort to research or reserve the ticket – which I guess is where my real angst lies. Anyway, I thought about it and decided that it is incorrect for me to push her; if she doesn’t want to visit I’ll just deal with it.

Life is about learning of yourself; today is one of those confusing days for me. I’m upset and overwhelmed. Work and school are pressures and they can be pretty frustrating, but I seem to be able to stay calm and ride out the storm. My heart, however, is another matter. Paying off Eriko’s loan is a strange thing – but mainly it seems like I am setting myself up for hardship. My naive and trusting heart wants to believe that because we told each other we wanted something, we will both live up to those desires; but my brain is too experienced to let me get away with it. I have been down this road before. I didn’t like what I saw. I keep hoping I can find this woman who can appreciate me in such a way – a way I can’t even describe. Bailey, for instance. She still scratches me once in a while; she still bites me. But she makes me feel needed and even though she is only a cat and has but the most primitive form of expression, I feel love. Perhaps I am naturally scared and jaded! from real human interaction; my mother’s love has never been equalled in a woman – and yet I have this romantic, naive view that I will find a woman who will love me more. Am I crazy? Or just stupid?

I send an email to Eriko and inform her of my red-light ticket; of course my email is completely biased and I ridicule the officer and the ticket, labeling the latter as stupid. I’m not sure what I was expecting but apparently it was different then what I received based on the mental shock my system has gone through. Eriko’s opinion is that I’m stupid and I deserve the ticket. My first reaction was laughter; followed by confusion, indignation, and discomfort. Finally I returned to laughter and composed a response in which I told her that I wouldn’t be presenting her opinion to the judge. Oh, and that I never said I was smart.

I’m not with my mom to help her celebrate, but I’m thinking about her. Thanks for everything you’ve done, do, and will do, momma. I love you.