so i have recently begun to realize that when i fall in “love” this shield falls over my eyes and numbs my body. it makes me feel euphoric and enslaves me at the same time. i willingly submit to it, unaware of the pain and stress that is being inflicted on my soul. i am a drugged slave, trading my life for a few more minutes of “love.” St. Paul described love (a butchered version):

I don’t know. I just got off the phone with Brian and he told me (and I agree) that I have been a complete and utter idiot.

I put “the cart before the horse,” or rather I thought (and think) of marriage before I establish good lines of communication and really get to know someone.

My heart is wild and I don’t (yet) have the strength or wisdom to control it.

I continue to make comparisons between Baily and Eriko in my head. I never really knew why I picked up Bailey. Part of me says it was because she was so cute; another part says that I felt a need to provide and protect her, since nobody else offered; another part says that I was lonely and jealous of other’s companions. Bailey and I didn’t spend much time together during the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t make time for her and circumstances prevented her from casually interacting with my daily routine. As it was, we grew differently. I’m not sure if it just clicked one day or if it happened more gradually than I can remember, but we began to take note of each other. I can recall the first time I really noticed that she missed me. I had left for Alaska to visit the family and when I came home she laid on my bed and let me rub her tummy. I don’t think she has ever done that again. Now she has become an integral part of my life; it is difficult to imagine life without ! her.

I just arrived at work but I have to remember what I have learned this morning. Over the weekend I sent Eriko a torrent of email – essentially my thoughts and feelings at different points in time. For some reason I was feeling brave and talkative. I woke up this morning about 5:30 and the email response I received from her said “I don’t care what you think.” I laid back in my bed to consider this statement in between naps. I realized the similiarities between this and a moment I had with Melissa, when we were outside Church talking. I had been ranting about the merits of drugs the entire car ride, and although she had offered some mild opposition, I thought she was enjoying the discussion, or at least interested in what I had to say. Naturally, I was way off, and she reacted in fury – yelling and banging her fist against the window. I remember feeling as if I had done absolutely nothing wrong; she could have made it clear she was uncomfortable, etc. Long distance makes things difficult because I don’t know if Eriko’s answer is caused by rage or apathy. In either case, I find her reaction ridiculous and childish. Not that we aren’t all children, but supposedly we are discussing “grown-up” things. As I did with Melissa several years ago, I will do with Eriko – leave her alone; let her figure “it” out. ;P Now onto work.

I still want to help Eriko out with her loan. Whether I like it or not, my nature is to be generous to those I care about; I am naive to assume that I cannot be taken advantage of – however, the right woman for me won’t take advantage. I can’t see into the future with a crystal ball. I can’t guarantee that if I help Eriko with her loan that will spend our lives together. But at the same time, maybe one day we will be married – can I guarantee that she will stay with me after I buy her a car? Or a house? No; there is always uncertainty and with that, doubt. Being taken advantage of is when you do something you don’t want to; or you do something in a way that you don’t want to. I want to help Eriko with her loan. But I do it my way. Time for b..zzzzz

It is abundant today but I only see it in passing. I just read a very interesting article – a little over my head but it was fun to skim and I think I understand the main points. I am now at work, feeling relaxed and ready to hack. Especially since the laundry is almost done (needs to be folded) and I enjoyed pancakes and bacon for breakfast. =) Oh, and I didn’t leave my bed until 11. ;P