i have to withdrawal – because than she can chase me. the winds of change are blowing and there is a sweeet smell. wait – that could be dinner..

i have to admit that i get frustrated by the amount of communication between me and Eriko. it doesn’t feel natural. i feel like i hold back and i don’t really care for that. additionally, Eriko told me that she wanted to chase me, but i don’t see it happening. i have the urge to withdrawal but i don’t know what that means or where it will lead. i’m not happy with myself and it became very obvious last night. as i clean up, change, and improve – will Eriko be a casualty, as i was to Sara? i don’t know. the ironic thing is that i used to fantasize that Eriko and i would lose touch and then be reunited. i’m sure a lot of that comes from my parent’s story, but it is interesting. i suppose the distance between us serves as a constant separator/reunitor. fascinating.

My math score went down – from 740 to 720.

I just want to note that I have some really awesome friends. When I examine the quality of family and friends in my life I am humbled.

I am as prepared as I can be at this juncture. I doubt that I drilled as much as I could have, nor as much as I should have; however, I am not going to force this on myself. I am slowly realizing my love for mathematics and if this is going to be the long-lasting relationship I desire then I need to take it slow and allow time for mathematics to love me too. I’m going to meet my buddy Art for lunch in about a half an hour. Art has been real kind to me, throwing business my way when appropriate and always believing that I can deliver him the quality of service I want too. He has a big heart. The dreams and schemes for the ultimate workstation/desk setup continue to flow in my head. I want to switch to a vertical keyboard so as to minimize the strain on my wrists. Aaron suggested that I build my own desk instead of buying one and I will indeed consider it; at the very least I will do a rough comparison of prices – I had originally intended to buy a table from Costco for around $50.

I cry – not for the soldiers or their families, but for those who are caught in a game they never asked for. Our hatred, our anger – is it real? Are we humans so scared, so weak, that we are unwilling to brave a world dominated by lovre rather than power and violence? I pity us. We seek paradise, heaven, nirvana – but we don’t have the courage to accept that it is already here.