my critical analysis of loved ones and myself has led me to believe that i am a little down. i think i have a tendency to try and figure out who or what in my life is causing my discomfort when in reality that discomfort is coming from inside. indeed.

i have had lingering flashes of thought in my tiny little head for several years now; i have mentioned this in passing to several friends and i have no idea why i still have flashes of this memory – i played doctor with the boy across the street (older than me) and the girl across the street (younger). i just had another thought that i don’t think i’ve had before – which was about that girl… i had never been reminded of what happened with her and although my role was passive i have to wonder if she is plagued by strange memories (of violation?) as i am. i can’t honestly say that i feel remorse at this point but now that i have traced this feeling further i hope that i am on the right path. i had no idea you were such an inspirational conversation partner, diary.

I told Eriko that Sara had made contact with me, but she didn’t care. Then I told her that Susie was visiting and I didn’t care for some of her friends. Her reaction to this was to tell me that she didn’t care for some of my friends. I found the transition strange and thought maybe she was defending Susie. After speaking with Dave, however, he believes that Eriko is threatened by Susie. This would make the transition smoother… Although I definitely have considered it, I don’t think that Susie is a threat to Eriko. There are many things about Susie that make her a great friend but so many of those things make her (to me) very unattractive for a mate. Anyway, I am supposed to be withdrawaling, not thinking about how to assuage Eriko’s fears. Besides, work is calling.

duh – i realized that Eriko is testing me: my limits, my patience, my reactions. hah! no study is necessary for this test because i can only do my best. ;P i am testing her too, although my emotions easily cloud my viewpoint making it difficult for me to see what the questions are…. ;P

one other thought… i now believe that when Sara told me she wanted to date other people, she may have been trying to to get me to chase her… however, i saw it as my chance to exit, since i had no desire to chase her further…. as i withdrawal from Eriko, if she is indeed the woman for me, then she will feel the desire to chase.only time will tell on such things as this. the neat thing about life, from my point of view, is that it becomes more of what i wish it to be as time passess… hence, live gets better with age – like wine.