my discomfort is slowing growing. the team i’m on is not valued as highly among other teams in this organization. there is a tendency to poach talent from this group. if i were capable of being poached, i wouldn’t care – but since i’m a lead, i’m essentially ineligible. i’m tormented with envy and jealously as i see myself become less technically proficient relative to my peers – and know that in my current capacity, that trend will only continue. i realize that my love for the engineering is decreasing – i don’t seem to love to code or hack anymore. i do it when it is necessary to get things done, but i think i might enjoy knowing solutions to problems or ensuring that they are solved rather than actually solving them myself. i’m really at a crossroads as far as my career is concerned, and i’m relatively unsure as to the direction i will ultimately choose. the indecision is driving me crazy, though, because i am not good at standing still. i’m grateful for the many things i’m doing right now (class & class) because they provide a sufficient distraction from the ultimate monotony of this position. maybe i can do this position for a while longer, if i have a sufficient number of other interests. again, i simply do not know.

i rest.

Why is that I always seem to love at first sight, but those that I love are oblivious to my heart pounding wildly? Do girls not love at first sight? I suppose that society teaches a girl to be passive in her feelings. I am blessed (or cursed) to throw my heart on the table, with the table of contents as plain as can be. I must be patient; for the reader will take her time,
consuming each chapter at her own pace – independent of my desire to see the story unfold. I have no choice but to take comfort (or grief) in the simple truth that all is well, that ends well.

It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is overruled by fate.
When two are stripped, long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should love, the other win;
And one especially do we affect
Of two gold ingots, like in each respect:
The reason no man knows, let it suffice,
What we behold is censured by our eyes.
Where both deliberate, the love is slight:
Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?

 - Christopher Marlow

i’d go back 50 years, find myself a nice bed and breakfast, and take a long nap.

0700 alarm goes off
0702 crawl out of bed, relieved because i’m not going to exercise now
0705 feed and pet bailey
0710 check my email
0730 weigh myself, get dressed, bailey and i eat some ham
0745 leave for work
0755 arrive at work
0800 less productive morning
0945 team meeting; group seems a bit tired
0955 more work, less than productive
1130 leave for home
1135 surprise bailey
1145 hit the stairmaster, level 10 of 20, no hands
1215 hit the shower
1230 hit the road (for work)
1300 bi-weekly triage meeting + lunch. i enjoy this meeting
1400 back to work, or something like that
1730 on the bus headed for downtown
1800 at japanese class
2050 class is over, i’m standing in the cold
2100 back on the bus
2130 at home, bailey seeks attention
2145 eating peanuts and drinking some wine
2200 working on my ai final
2300 relaxing with some tv while writing this entry