Bound by the ancient ropes of otoko-rashisa (manliness) to the pillar of Bushido (the way of the samurai), men are valued for being kamoku (silent), goken (strong in mind and body), ippongi (uncompromisingly earnest and honest), yukan (courageous) and daitan (bold).
Visually, it helps if they’re kinnikushitsu (muscular) and kebukai (hairy) in the right places, like legs and wrists (for some reason, chest hair has always been a downer). Naturally, they’re expected to be messy, to abstain from vigorous washing, to not care about what they eat, and to drink themselves into oblivion without losing their male decorum. It goes without saying that they’re not supposed to whine or ask for sympathy.

fix all my bugs and make the existing software packages i maintain as good as possible so i have nothing weighing on my mind.

my discomfort is slowing growing. the team i’m on is not valued as highly among other teams in this organization. there is a tendency to poach talent from this group. if i were capable of being poached, i wouldn’t care – but since i’m a lead, i’m essentially ineligible. i’m tormented with envy and jealously as i see myself become less technically proficient relative to my peers – and know that in my current capacity, that trend will only continue. i realize that my love for the engineering is decreasing – i don’t seem to love to code or hack anymore. i do it when it is necessary to get things done, but i think i might enjoy knowing solutions to problems or ensuring that they are solved rather than actually solving them myself. i’m really at a crossroads as far as my career is concerned, and i’m relatively unsure as to the direction i will ultimately choose. the indecision is driving me crazy, though, because i am not good at standing still. i’m grateful for the many things i’m doing right now (class & class) because they provide a sufficient distraction from the ultimate monotony of this position. maybe i can do this position for a while longer, if i have a sufficient number of other interests. again, i simply do not know.

i rest.

Why is that I always seem to love at first sight, but those that I love are oblivious to my heart pounding wildly? Do girls not love at first sight? I suppose that society teaches a girl to be passive in her feelings. I am blessed (or cursed) to throw my heart on the table, with the table of contents as plain as can be. I must be patient; for the reader will take her time,
consuming each chapter at her own pace – independent of my desire to see the story unfold. I have no choice but to take comfort (or grief) in the simple truth that all is well, that ends well.

It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is overruled by fate.
When two are stripped, long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should love, the other win;
And one especially do we affect
Of two gold ingots, like in each respect:
The reason no man knows, let it suffice,
What we behold is censured by our eyes.
Where both deliberate, the love is slight:
Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?

 - Christopher Marlow