i have to wonder whether i really want a PhD in math or whether i’m just a desperado, wishing for that which i don’t have

of course, once my brain starts analyzing a point, it cannot stop until it has come up with some theories. i have two as a consequence:

i like positions of authority: a husband, a dad, a manager, a professor.
i think too much, often confusing myself. i need to focus on subjects with clear cut answers – mathematics. computer science is halfway there, but there are lots of different ways to do things and still arrive at the same result.
if i don’t think there is a clear cut answer, i tend not to think. i just try and feel.

in writing to Susie, i always end up expressing myself in some way or another. i have no idea about the accuracy of such statements, but they flow like water with no resistance.

i think the reason why i’m having a mid-life crisis is because i look at
where i am now and i extrapolate it to 15 or 20 years and i don’t find
happiness there. slaving away for 10+ hours a day on the computer doesn’t
give me a warm fuzzy feeling. perhaps it never did, i just never took the
time to think about it. when i was younger, i always wanted to play the
‘game’ until i got a bunch of money and then retire to do something i liked.
well, that isn’t a very healthy attitude because making that money is either
going to take much longer than i want or cause me to sacrifice myself in the
process. either of which is a loss – it isn’t the money i want, it is the time to do something i like.

as the foundations of what i want to do with my life are shaken, everything
goes with it. if i don’t want to program computers for a living (which i’ve
thought of since i was in high school), what do i want to do? what do i like?

working drains almost all my creative energy. luckily i find Japanese class
very interesting otherwise i would do nothing in the evenings. even with
that, i’m falling behind in class because i have no energy to study outside
of class. even at work, i’m not that creative. it is so obvious i don’t want
to be there by the way i solve problems. i don’t think. i just keep trying
things until something works. perhaps that is just who i am, but that is
certainly not who i think i want to be.


i like working with people more than i like working with computers. i think i
always have. in college i was constantly tutoring my friends and leading
projects. this is the second job where i’m managing people and i like it.
being a professor is just an extension of that feeling. naturally, i’m not
that much of a people person – i’m only a people person when i’m in a
position of authority. i’ve always been curious at math and always a little
ashamed that i don’t know it anymore. when i was a wee little boy i used to
be good at it. i have no idea how i’m going to get from where i am now to
where i want to be but i sure am hoping i can find something.

the diary forces me to be honest and express myself. i’m the kind of guy who
will just hold all my thoughts and feelings inside and hope the world guesses
what i want. well, i don’t think it really works that way, at least not when
i interact with other people. having the diary has been great for me, because
when i have something i’m thinking about which i can’t stop thinking about, i
write it in the diary. suddenly it is out there. it doesn’t have to be
constrained in my mind. now i don’t have to keep thinking of it for fear that
the thought will die off (not that i explicitly do that, but…)

i have a desire to write a detailed report of the last few days, but no time nor energy to do it. so i’ll just give the highlights:

Saturday: changed front brakes on the Miata with Aaron’s assistance, then had Indian food with Aaron and his fiance Carol
Sunday: watched a Mariner’s game and then went to Neal’s housewarming party. both were enjoyable. (Mariner’s game was on TV).
Monday: long day at work followed by Japanese class. good day.
Tuesday: long day at work followed by a Mariner’s game on the tube and laundry. another good day.
Wednesday: woke up real early so I could talk to Eriko on the phone. that is the highlight of my week. X) another long day at work followed by Japanese class.

in writing an email to Susie, i finally put into a complete thought what i’ve slowly been figuring out… i have the ability to put really high expectations on people. i’ve seen this several times lately. i had really high expectations that mom wasn’t supposed to express dissatisfaction with dad; i had high expectations of Susie and Brian’s time; and most of all, i always have extremely high expectations of my girlfriends. i’ve really had to learn to acknowledge this with Eriko as i put expectations on her that are unreasonable for anyone else in my life, including people who have known me from birth. it is nice to figure out stuff like this because it gives me a “notecard” to refer to when i don’t feel at peace. now i’ve got to start considering whether the expectations are most strongly placed on myself… leading to unnecessary frustration… and no motivation…

i have about 4 or 5 books laying about the house which i’ve started. i have a list of weekly goals, a schedule template, but … i misplaced that motivation! tonight when i’m sitting on the couch i’ll try to remember where i put it.