a controversial cahotic memory, dug up from the past
how does sitting in the dark frying on acid make the world any more different than thousands of voices shouting in unison, the thoughts, thoughts are the key.. everyone has thoughts.. always.. never ending.. even while dreaming…. together these resolve conflicts, create harmony.. our thoughts create our existence, create our very universe. but not the individual thoughts themselves, they have no relevance one way or another, but rather simply the presence of the thoughts, of the energy generated by the brain. i can see where the writer of the matrix got his idea… what necessitates the presence and exploration of the human psyche? if nothing else but to stimulate more activity.. everything seems to stimulate more activity, and more, and more.. each cascading thought leads to another.. never ending.. no need to feel alone.. everything is one, one is everything. Yet nothing.. Nothing exists, but the mere idea of nothingness existing is another paradox.. infinitely many paradoxes… motor functions are not responding as well as the used to be, the thoughts are insanely rapid now.. the music throbs, entering one eardrum and leaving the other, its effect merely as an end to the silence, which is more plaguing that anything.. but so much of existence is perception, which is inherently wrong, inconsistent with reality, but hot damn its so far away to have this cigarette. if i’m strong i can either conquer the desire for one, but looking at it only makes me long for me.. didn’t beat that one. not like i even care about beating that one, it is merely what we wanted anyway, we being me, or whatever different thoughts are colliding in this brain. i must learn more about psychological research that has been done.. for surely i am not alone in these pursuits, and it is more productive to combine the general knowledge, rather than reinvent the wheel.. my body craves for more sustenance.. why.. biologically should it have not received adequate compensation… jetta always a faithful companion.. mans best friend.. very reminiscent of ones lost uniqueness everyone has a little companion, somewhere.. it it responds to every other stimuli, spawning new creations.. which in turn respond to other stimuli, resulting in the same, so everything can be represented as a cascading network… but if everything is simply created from a single origin point, reacting to everything beside, inherently resulting in the mass to fill a sphere… each moment is disconnected from the last… i cannot remember the last time i swallowed or where i just was.. the chemistry is all wrong.. cant remember the swallow… each moment not connecting to the next.. seconds in time fading away like minutes, minutes like seconds.. nothing connecting… memories not syncing up.. like there was several minutes lapse between the brain recognizing the images and its processing several minutes lapses while i attempt to compose each particular junction of this phrase, but not remembering the moment before.. glances are fleeting neurons not firing, each node operating independent of the other, all with there own desires, don’t retain any feeling in my orifices… hell i don’t even know what the fuck an orifice is.. brain is disconnected from itself…. must regain link with current time… now.. must focus on now… make neurons fire, make them sync up… but why… in seconds or is it minutes the room has changed… cold now, as if the feeling as just catching up.. everything completely disconnected.. images being processed way behind schedule, remember to swallow, ensure proper breathing… wow, time is really distancing itself now.. only been three minutes though… feeling hasn’t returned in my left hand.. still seems distant…. one two three four five six seven eight nine ten twenty forty what parts of me are so built in and what parts of me are responses to stimuli.. wow, moment disconnected.. deja vu deja vu.. body attempting to respond by increasing heart rate…. correlations between present … and hell present.. only come in glances.. no short term memory at all hell,if anything remember it was good shit holy shit, my feelings and my body’s responses are disconnected.. i am shivering, but don’t feel cold, now the rush of cold, but two entirely different feelings.. one of the body shaking uncontrollably, but with no recollection as to why… takes me a couple of seconds to realize that not only am i cold, but i’m shaking uncontrollably.. one moment goes by in micro seconds… body shivering, brain hasn’t registered cold yet brain realizing its cold, wanting to do something about body.. brain making me do something everything is real..