really confused about work - buyer's remorse?
There’s no doubt that I feel quite a bit of buyer’s remorse. It goes up and down - on some days I’m flush with pride and confidence in my move to product management and other days I feel foolish, jealous, angry, and very insecure.
In general, I have to admit, I’m feeling insecure about a lot of things. I don’t know if it is a natural biological time (i.e. just turned 30) or if I’ve been socially conditioned to be reflective and introspective - or finally, if there are simply too many unsettled changes going on in my life.
Marriage - Eriko and I don’t have a communication rhythm down. Some days are great, other days we miss obvious conversations and annoying results occur. We definitely don’t have the sex thing down. I’m not sure we’ve had sex 5 times this year and we’re probably barely pushing 10 times for the marriage… that definitely weighs on me. Some days more than others.
Child - Jerry is at that age where he has virtually an unlimited amount of energy and is constantly testing. One moment he’ll respond to a certain tactic, such as distracting or discussing, and another moment he won’t. I’m constantly torn by the counting discipline - sometimes it feels likes he’s in timeout all the time. I’m also constantly torn by my lack of free time. When he (or Eriko) is not around, I feel lonely. When they’re around, I often feel like I need my own space.
Back to the job… I don’t know if this is the root of the problem or if my issues at home are causing my insecurity at work - probably a mixed bag. I moved into a new position largely because I wasn’t happy where I was. The easiest way to describe why I wasn’t happy was that I didn’t know what I should be doing. Sadly, I’m still in the same position - only now I feel the pangs of competitiveness, jealously, buyer’s remorse, etc. The new VP of engineering has far more pull and power then the last (and rightfully so) but I continue to get the feeling like he doesn’t want me around. A lot of times I take a conservative argument (which really pisses him off) but a lot of times he probably just sees right through my vaneer - I don’t know what I’m doing.
I said it. I don’t know what I’m doing. That’s the biggest problem. I don’t know what I’m doing at work. I don’t know what I’m doing with Jerry. I don’t know what I’m doing with Eriko.
I’m overweight and I don’t know how to motivate myself to change. I feel as if I’m getting less intelligent at every turn, and I don’t know how to motivate myself to change.
A change in position didn’t suddenly make me a better person. Running from this position is unlikely to do anything but harm - I know that. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place in many different ways - I’m constantly afraid of hurting Eriko or making friction in our relationship - this is why I don’t talk about sex or what we’re doing with Jerry.
I’m afraid. I’m scared. It is fear that is rendering me useless. For the first time in a long time, I’m not very confident about much at all. That being said, I know I’m in the right place in life - strangely, I’m very happy to be a father. I feel extremely torn about the time, but I’ve always wanted to be a father. I’m very happy to be a husband - I’ve always wanted to be a husband.
I’m in way over my head and I’m having trouble breathing. If I can survive, I will be a much stronger man.
I am a much stronger man. There is no angel to save me. I must summon the courage.