pressure - i need pressure
I woke up at 5 AM to review some design documents in preparation for a 7 AM online discussion. Why? Because I had agreed to do so, and I couldn’t let others down. Is that because I fear for my job or because I have some deeper sense of responsibility. I think it is most likely the former. How can I use this to motivate and drive me to do other things I want? Mathematics, Japanese - there is no pressure to learn these subjects; no clear consequences. I don’t yet have the internal disipline to act without external pressure. I am able to study when I am enrolled in a course at UW. Granted, I do only what I need to do to get a good grade; there is certainly additional material I could read or projects I could work on if I was truly interested in knowing more - but I stop once I think I have a 4.0 (or a good shot at it.) I have seemingly high expectations for myself but lower follow-through - I set many goals, most of which are likely unrealistic. I’ve learned to fail so many of my goals that I don’t know how to set attainable ones; yet my ambition and capacity for dreaming has never really slowed. The result is that I still don’t know how to set and keep reasonable goals for myself; instead I make too many and keep too few. Granted, I achieve many things - but the satisifaction of the success is dulled by the failures - even if the failures were unavoidable. I know I have to specialize, I have to focus, I have to choose just a few things to build goals and ambitions around - but what?