starting to get excited

i’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed for the last several months. in particular, when i think of the upcoming wedding and the changes which will follow. i’ve been trying to anticipate the changes, or worrying about the inevitable ups and downs, but neither has made me very comfortable. at the same time, i’ve noticed a loneliness within myself become more apparent. initially, my reaction and thoughts were to blame the interaction between Eriko and I, which is strange in its own right. however, i realized this morning that my loneliness is more fundamental than that. i want her near me. i want to build the bonds that only time together can do. i have often wondered about this concept of marriage. how foreign it is in the moment, to make a decision which joins two souls, without a complete or even clear understanding of the path or results. this decision, this desire… it is part of who i am, part of my character, intrinsic to my being. i need to bond myself. this is the realization and understanding i have been searching for.