musings to Susie

in writing to Susie, i always end up expressing myself in some way or another. i have no idea about the accuracy of such statements, but they flow like water with no resistance.

i think the reason why i’m having a mid-life crisis is because i look at
where i am now and i extrapolate it to 15 or 20 years and i don’t find
happiness there. slaving away for 10+ hours a day on the computer doesn’t
give me a warm fuzzy feeling. perhaps it never did, i just never took the
time to think about it. when i was younger, i always wanted to play the
‘game’ until i got a bunch of money and then retire to do something i liked.
well, that isn’t a very healthy attitude because making that money is either
going to take much longer than i want or cause me to sacrifice myself in the
process. either of which is a loss – it isn’t the money i want, it is the time to do something i like.

as the foundations of what i want to do with my life are shaken, everything
goes with it. if i don’t want to program computers for a living (which i’ve
thought of since i was in high school), what do i want to do? what do i like?

working drains almost all my creative energy. luckily i find Japanese class
very interesting otherwise i would do nothing in the evenings. even with
that, i’m falling behind in class because i have no energy to study outside
of class. even at work, i’m not that creative. it is so obvious i don’t want
to be there by the way i solve problems. i don’t think. i just keep trying
things until something works. perhaps that is just who i am, but that is
certainly not who i think i want to be.

i like working with people more than i like working with computers. i think i
always have. in college i was constantly tutoring my friends and leading
projects. this is the second job where i’m managing people and i like it.
being a professor is just an extension of that feeling. naturally, i’m not
that much of a people person – i’m only a people person when i’m in a
position of authority. i’ve always been curious at math and always a little
ashamed that i don’t know it anymore. when i was a wee little boy i used to
be good at it. i have no idea how i’m going to get from where i am now to
where i want to be but i sure am hoping i can find something.

the diary forces me to be honest and express myself. i’m the kind of guy who
will just hold all my thoughts and feelings inside and hope the world guesses
what i want. well, i don’t think it really works that way, at least not when
i interact with other people. having the diary has been great for me, because
when i have something i’m thinking about which i can’t stop thinking about, i
write it in the diary. suddenly it is out there. it doesn’t have to be
constrained in my mind. now i don’t have to keep thinking of it for fear that
the thought will die off (not that i explicitly do that, but…)