nick.org

Zack had been prompting me to read this for some time, so I took it with on my trip to Texas last week. It turned out to be very easy and engaging reading and I finished it on the flight down. Reading Wil's blog entries and then his own commentary on the blogs was interesting. I have found a very similiar duality or "show" which occurs in my own writing.

When I first started this blog, I was writing it for me - my earliest entries are intimate, revealing, and sometimes "inappropriate." As my audience appeared and it became clear that Eriko, my parents, my siblings, and other relatives were reading the blog I found myself altering the type of content and presentation.

No longer do I write an entry as a stream of consciousness in a vacuum - I'm very aware of the "audience" watching. At the same time, my life has changed so much, most of my content has become less brash; there is no need for such bravado - gone are the days of political and international conspiracy theories (who has time for that), the partying (day after is too painful), and the women (one is very much enough, thank you).

My entries are focused on career and my family. I find it fitting that this matched Wil's transition as well - he is my role model for the "goals" page on nick.org.

Less than 3 years ago, I was the proud owner of a fully populated entertainment center/bookshelf. This is not one of those small pieces of furniture, mind you, but at least 10 feet in length and 8 feet tall.

I love information - I'm essentially an information pack rat, although as you'll see, that is changing. I've kept most of my books from college - especially my math and computer science books. I really (read never) have time to read them, but just seeing them on the shelves takes me back to a time where I was younger, smarter, and more in control. =)

First came Eriko. I gave up 25% of the bookshelf as soon as her stuff began to arrive from Nagoya. There was some creative maneuvering and I ended up with more shelf space, by far.

Then came Jerry. At first, the impact was minor. A shelf for his toys. Then two. Then a shelf for his books. Then two. Then another shelf for his toys. Then another for his books.

I put quite a few of my books in storage - all the "duplicate" (or redundant) materials, or the ones of least interest to me - but I still kept quite a few CS, math, and economics books - not to mention my collection of Dr. Dobb's
magazines (which were doubling as a barrier to accessing the power cords.)

As of last Sunday, I was down to slightly less than 50% of the total space - but looking around the room, at the proliferation of toys and books, I finally bent to the forces of family.

I boxed up all my magazines (Dr. Dobbs and the Economist) and literature books, moved all of my CS books to work (where they probably won't be read either, but I wasn't using those bookshelves), and consolidated my math, economics, and Japanese language books onto a single shelf.

After a long period of deliberation, ups and downs, excitement and confusion, I've decided to move into a new position. The things that I enjoy most about being a director of software engineering are the things that could have made me great at the position but not destined to stay there - the ability to be involved in all aspects of the product, to comment on virtually every specification and product decision, to help set direction and provide vision, to be hands-on and technical, and to be patient yet firm.

That said, I didn't enjoy trying to mentor my direct reports, build an organization, rank people around me - essentially, all the aspects of management. Perhaps if I had a better mentor, or if my peers hadn't bailed on me, or if I would have had the control over the direction like I imagined, or if I would have just been more patient... I would have been able to weather through the uncertainty of my own growth - but the more I analyzed where I was and where I was heading, the more I had a hard time being able to picture myself in middle management for years to come.

Starting next week, I'll be moving into product marketing. I don't know what to expect! I'm a little anxious about my new team, my new role, my new boss... I have high hopes and expectations - that this move will give me a much broader view of the organization, the industry, and the technology. I'll be in a position where I can strongly shape the product but not spend my time on the factory floor. Of course, this comes with "drawbacks" as well - more travel, less technical conversations (with peers, partners, etc.), less pay...

The best thing about this move is that I won't be leaving behind the people I've spent the last 5.5 years with. They'll be on the same floor, right around the corner, in the same building - we'll still be working on the same product and in the same discussions. I'll be the same... but different.

How can I get ahead? I have so many dreams and goals - I'm unwilling to abandon them, but unable to pursue them. Recently (since returning from vacation), Jerry has begun going to sleep by about 8 PM. This is pretty amazing as it gives Eriko and me time to work on our hobbies, relax, etc. We both know how to entertain ourselves - we'll spend an entire evening in silence, completely enthralled with what we're doing. Her presence brings out that inner peace in me.

OK - so now I've got, potentially, two hours - every night - what am I going to do with it? Out of my list of goals, I want to:

• Kernel development - fix some bugs at work?
• JLPT Level 3 - be willing to attempt the exam
• Get in shape - lose the waist (or at least make some progress)
• Read more - a book a month?

Can I find the ability to start all of these? How? Even as I write this entry I can feel the mixture between frustration, excitement, fear, and hope - I don't have an answer for how I take these baby steps.

2007 ended wonderfully, with ~10 days of candy, crying, and spending quality time with the family.
2007 was an interesting year.

It started with:

- Jerry learning to crawl
- Isilon stock @ 27
- Vying for a director's position at work
- A list of goals

It ended with:

- Jerry learning to talk
- Isilon stock @ 5
- Sole director of development
- Having accomplished none of those goals

2007 was a lot of adjusting - adjusting to Jerry's ever growing demands of my heart and attention; adjusting to the thought of not retiring in the next ten years; adjusting to the reality that between Isilon and Jerry, I can't seem to get anything else done.

That being said, I am slowly understanding the value of incremental and consistent effort. This is a major challenge for me, as I typically dream big and fail. There were so many books which I started to read and didn't finish because I didn't put in a consistent few pages a night. My waistline didn't shrink because I couldn't peel away an hour a week (out of 112!) I didn't even bother applying for JLPT level 3 because I didn't learn a Kanji a day - not even a Kanji a week (or month - or year!)

What about 2008? I have less than eight months before I turn 30...

Here I am in the bathroom on my blackberry. I've just finished writing seven emails, some of which were long, most of which may cause consternation - but all of which had me so excited that I couldn't sleep.

I didn't realize how invigorating the ownership of the development group would be. I think this goes along with my "decision" about my next move - I find it very difficult to focus on today if I don't know about tomorrow. I've got focus - I don't need to worry about when I'm going to learn Japanese or how I will figure out what to research - I know when I'll tackle those problems and several years to develop my approach.

In addition, since I no longer am responsible for our offshore group I can have a regular schedule - I'm not there yet (duh, up at 2 AM) but I can imagine doing this for several years - I can even imagine fitting a workout routine into the mix. With regularity comes the ability to have a late work night on occasion (and a day off too.) With the Xmas vacation coming up, I can spend the next 3 weeks driving hard towards getting the organization moving how I need it to be.

Eriko is in high spirits, which means that Jerry is in high spirits - Jerry is sleeping better (and we're more patient/stubborn about bouncing or feeding, which forces him to compromise and cope) and he's such a great communicator and playmate that he is a joy to be around. He forces me to engage, so I don't have to worry about doing enough with him per-se, I just need to make sure we're together as much as possible. Eriko is just amazing - she's accepting (and taking to) her duty as mother and caretaker of the house - Jerry at day-care 9 hrs a week gives her just the right amount of space, she's removed herself from the politics of chorus, has a solid network of friends, and is excited about teaching music (her dream when we met.)

This isn't a perfect or rosy future - I have huge challenges ahead and I'm going to need to be diligent on all fronts, but I'm surprised by just how excited I am. If only I could find a way to sleep...

Thoughts of Isilon skyrocketing to a glorious future have turned out to be premature - but that future is still very much a possibility.

It is worth pointing out that not only is Isilon still facing a great opportunity, but so am I; it is unlikely I will have the energy, time, nor fortune to follow a company from an early-stage startup through its transition to a (prosperous) public company while being in a position of leadership - the position I will soon be given (in the next week) may be temporary or it may be permanent, but in either case it is a great opportunity.

All that said, this post isn't about where Isilon is or that future - it is about a future beyond Isilon.

I've talked for some time about attending graduate school and working towards a PhD. I almost did this in November of 2005 (right before the IPO) but realized it simply wasn't the right time - I wasn't ready and the opportunity at Isilon was too good to pass up. Since then I have known that I will need to dedicate some time and study to discover what it is that I'm really interested in pursuing in great detail.

I thought that I could do this part-time (or more appropriately, in the background) to working at Isilon and raising Jerry but that has proven to be unrealistic. My position at Isilon does not provide me with opportunities to discover and consider this and neither does my time with Jerry. Given that I typically have only spare moments, I have been unable to dedicate those moments towards anything but escape (i.e. leisure reading, keeping up with technology.)

That led me to conclude that I would take some time off of after Isilon to prepare - but how much time? How will I continue to support the family? What will Jerry be doing? Where will we live?

My brain finally connected this period of time with my desire to live in Japan - this seems like wonderful timing. There are a lot of things that have to go right in order for this to be possible:

1) Isilon needs to be successful - enough for me not to work for a few years.
2) Costs in Nagoya need to be low - Eriko's grandmother has an apartment we could live at, Japan has socialized medicine, etc.
3) I need to obtain permanent residence status in Japan - I'm not sure what is required for this.
4) We'll need to sell our house in Seattle, store our belongings, etc.
5) Jerry would enter a Japanese kindergarten.

If this were all to go well, I would have the time and resources to decide my next move in terms of education and career, the immersion in Japanese would improve my language learning dramatically, and Jerry and I would get to spend lots of time with Eriko's family. If it were possible for me to have 8 hours a day for myself, I would even be able to take a real focused stab at becoming fit.

The vision is exciting! It excites Eriko as well and it will help our decision making process for the next few years. Will we still buy a house in Seattle? Probably not. Will I keep the MG? Probably not.

A few quotes for inspiration:

A vision is not just a picture of what could be; it is an appeal to our better selves, a call to become something more.

Vision without a task is only a dream. A task without a vision is but drudgery. But vision with a task is a dream fulfilled.

As I continue to adjust to life as a married man, as a father, and as an employee with signficant responsibility (all of which have happened in the last two years) I find myself slowly making peace with the new definition of "my time."

In light of my recent realization, I've set some new, reasonable goals for myself:

- maximize play-time with Jerry
- one new Kanji per week
- one hour of dedicated exercise per month
- one book per month

Progress, of the best kind, is comparatively slow. Great results cannot be achieved at once; and we must be satisfied to advance in life as we walk, step by step.

- Samuel Smiles

I find myself often engaged in thought, creating a blog entry in my head - far more often than not, that entry never sees the light of day. When I discover how to turn thoughts into actions, I will be SO much more productive...

Which brings me to another topic I've been thinking quite a bit about lately (or on and off for the last 5 years, if you check out the history...) - how to make more time for the things I consider important. As I become more aware of my own actions and how certain choices lead to others, I am starting to narrow in on the simple fact that I haven't clearly defined what is important. There is a long litany of items that I "want" to do, or "need" to do, and I end up making time for little of them and feeling frustrated by it - because there are simply too many.

For example, I downloaded 30 research papers today - why? I'm certainly not going to have time to read 30 papers - I'll be surprised if I even read one! I was also noticing today at work that I have two monitors - one of them happens to be > 30" and the other is 24". I don't need two. If I focused on one then I would become more efficient using it. I currently have three books from the library - why? I wasn't able to finish reading the last one, or 7 out of the last 10. The list goes on and on.

My desires are simply not in touch with reality, which creates more frustration and ends up with less performance instead of more. As my mentor says, "simplify, focus, and execute." Simplify means choose - choose what is important and ultimately, what isn't important. That's difficult; the choice feels like so many doors will be shut, but more likely, it will open many doors that happen to lead somewhere! Focus means being comfortable with the choices you've made; you can't revisit them at a frequent interval or no progress can be made.

I've got some choices to make. I recently was surprised when someone expressed interest in purchasing the MG. Not surprisingly, I haven't heard back - the car is simply not attractive at the moment. However, the idea of parting with it became exciting - it was one less item to worry about. I'm really torn on what my hobby will be at work, or whether I will try and stay technical at work, or whether I'll actually invest some energy in Japanese, or whether I'll prepare for the CS GRE, or ... too many choices at the moment and by focusing on "all" of them, I'm making progress on none of them.

This has been a bad week for sleeping. Jerry had a fever last weekend, so
he didn't sleep well on Saturday night. That led to Eriko and I sleeping poorly and being a little short with each other. I had Jerry for the day, so he had lots of time to share his cold with me.

Then comes Sunday night - Jerry couldn't sleep well and neither could I. I spent most of the night holding him in one position or another and probably got about 2 hours of sleep, at best. There has only been one night this week where I had 6 hours of sleep (and they weren't interrupted, of course.) The average has probably been more like 4.

Part of this is my fault - Jerry will go to bed about 9 and I'll stay up for another 2-3 hours (as will Eriko) enjoying some time for myself. Jerry will sleep until about 1 or 2. If I'm lucky, it has only taken about an hour to get him back to sleep (via bouncing, walking, holding, etc.) One night he decided it was time to play, so it took close to 3 hours to get him back to sleep. Last night I laid with him to help him sleep (which it did) but it didn't really help me.

I don't think I've slept for 6+ hours straight in almost two years...

This should really make you think...

From this wikipedia article:

The Seven Blunders of the World is a list that Mahatma Gandhi gave to his grandson Arun Gandhi during his last days. The seven blunders are:

* Wealth without work
* Pleasure without conscience
* Knowledge without character
* Commerce without morality
* Science without humanity
* Worship without sacrifice
* Politics without principle

My tenure at Isilon is starting to be a real struggle. It isn't that the job has become significantly more difficult or that the hours are more pressing. In a lot of ways, I'm doing less actual work - but the additional responsibility weighs on me throughout the day (and evening... and night.)

I think I'm affected by a few things - career direction, a desire to spend time with my family, and general wear-out. More and more I feel like the management direction is not what I should be in at this time. It isn't that I'm not learning a great deal; I am - how to govern my time, set goals, plan for the future, be accountable, and interact people. When I describe that, it seems obvious that I should be into my job. That leads me down the path of ownership, lack of focus, etc. While I love Isilon's technology and think it is a game-changer in the marketplace, in my management position I am becoming more and more removed from that technology. I'm about people and process and growing the organization - but I don't particularly care for big companies. So while I seem to be a natural leader, perhaps I need to be closer to the technology than I am.

My current position draws on my time in strange ways. I'm up early to deal with our remote office and often stay late to deal with customer issues. This isn't all the positions fault - I'm a workaholic and its hard for me to stop thinking about work. I'm torn whether I should reorient myself such that I have less responsibility and am just a 'cog' in the machine or whether I can truly find a work/life balance. Can I really leave work at home? Can I find some way to interact with the remote team in the morning and yet still have some time for Eriko and Jerry? Can I deal better with the constant weight of responsibility and accountability that I feel?

Finally, I'm a little tired. I've been at Isilon for almost 5 years. I've never been in any place that long - not high school, not college, nor any previous position. I like a certain amount of change in my job and I'm not feeling it. Now, it isn't fair to say that things haven't changed - Isilon has come from a startup with less than 30 people to a company with over 300. I've progressed from a lowly quality assurance engineer to a director of software. Perhaps I'm worried (or have realized) that the growth curve is slowing down? I have no desire to be a senior director of software - why? Like Mike Hargrove, I feel like I've lost the passion.

This all leaves me in quite a quandry. It would be fiscally irresponsible for me to leave Isilon at this point in the game but I also can't proceed without finding a way to reinvigorate myself. I have to go the distance here - that gives me the financial flexibility to pursue other dreams, such as getting a PhD, buying a house, or living in Japan.

This is all easier said than done, of course. I'm in the mid-point of my 5 day "weekend" and have absolutely no desire to head into the office. Just writing these thoughts and thinking about work makes me feel like time is slipping by too fast.

I've "decided" that I simply cannot read The Economist from cover-to-cover. While I'm interested in doing so, I cannot keep up with the volume of material and haven't been willing to dedicate the time. I still enjoy the magazine and will continue to skim as well as keep them for later reference.

I continue to find myself spending a too much time working; even though I've worked hard to keep my physical presence at work down to 40-50 hours a week, I find myself thinking about work, using my crackberry, emailing from my home PC or firing up my corporate laptop.

Even when I'm not "working", I often spend time on the computer - surfing the web, reading about technology, etc. Not only does this hobby easily blend into real work (i.e. I can check both mailboxes at the same time) but it keeps mee away from Jerry. The computer is very much an entertainment device - much like a TV. Perhaps if I start thinking of it in that fashion, I can spend less time on it.

I let someone down yesterday. He asked me to keep something to myself and I didn't. There was a problem associated with the topic and he credited my leak with the cause - then he called me on leaking the information.

I am fascinated to watch myself go through the 5 stages of grief, both because my emotions seem to map so well to this theory and because I am able to observe my own behavior so clearly. (That being said, my observation is not inline per-se.)

"I didn't leak this. This was somebody else."

"It wasn't my leak that caused this to happen! This problem would have existed regardless!"

"I'm so sorry, how could I have done this. This sucks. What kind of person am I? How did I get into this place? Somebody please, tell me I'm OK. How could I have hurt his feelings? Will he ever forgive me? Will he ever tell me anything again?"

"This leak was the right thing for the company. This information needed to be let out. I didn't let it out to the people who I was told explicitly not to tell, just somebody else. He should have known. Really, I did the right thing."

I did this. Regardless of whether I thought it was innocuous, regardless of whether it caused the issue or not, regardless of whether the end result was good or not, I was asked to hold something in confidence and I did not.

I don't have an excuse. I don't have a reason. I just have the knowledge that I'm not perfect here. I either need to keep information private when asked to, or I need to be prepared for others to stop confiding in me. I need to think about the person I want to be - the confidant, or the leak? This isn't cut and dry. With people I truly treasure, the risk of losing their confidence is too great to outweigh the benefits of any leak. With others, the risk is likely justified.

In the meantime, I have let one of my dearest friends down - and I feel sad. Although I anticipate he will forgive me, this isn't something either of us will likely forget.