Recently in Introspection Category

Think of Yourself

| No TrackBacks
I was in Nagoya last week, on our last night, in the 8th floor of a commercial building at some kind of pasta restaraunt. Momo was scarving down pizza, Jerry was laying on my lap, and I was chatting with Eriko's mom about my career.

I told her I had four "things" I wanted to accomplish:

1) Be a father
2) Hold a leadership role
3) Start a company
4) "Retire" a professor

Through broken Japanese, broken English, and Eriko, I explained that my milestones were at different points in life - first learn from others, than do yourself, then teach others. But constant through all of these was my responsibility to be a father - and without intending to, I conveyed my concern that I could not balance these things.

She told me (via Eriko) something that has stuck with me - "think of yourself." As you consider your career, your next move, what you want in life - put your family aside for the moment. Don't let concern cloud your vision - think freely. Perhaps it wasn't so much that her mother said things to me, but that Eriko agreed and encouraged me.

What will I be, when I grow up?

The clock.

| No TrackBacks
It is a rare moment that I sit alone with my thoughts. A fire burns gently beside me, powered by invisible gas - warmth that continues indefinitely, effortlessly enabled by the push of a button. 

I sit in a magnificent home - one which exceeds my expectations, and feels foreign. My family rests above me in the bedroom, presumably gaining strength and enjoying their dreams. For the moment, they feel foreign - in the land of sleep, while I remain awake. 

My own moments are far and few between. I wake to the gentle nudge or grating shrill of an alarm, faced immediately with the pressure of the clock. On days when the office isn't demanding my attention, a child will be tugging and grasping for it. 

I move from one moment of responsibility to another - always on the clock.

This is truly a rare gift - a fleeting sense of freedom, of control. 

As quickly as it emerged, it dissipates. I may control these words - but not the timeline in which they are created. The clock constantly reminds me that I'm on borrowed time; this freedom tonight is only stolen from tomorrow's responsibility. 

Back on the clock.

Balancing 2012

My last resolution post was way back in January of 2010 and highlighted a few areas of focus:

  • Swimming
  • Reading (books)
  • Writing (on the blog)
  • Health
  • Japanese

I didn't stay focused on most of these things in 2010 or 2011; a few events pre-empted my wonderfully scripted world:

I did take swimming lessons, bought a kindle, read over ten books, and began a running program - so I made progress!

As I think about 2012 and where it is headed, I came up with the few themes that I want to focus on. Not surprisingly, they have a lot in common with 2010, 2008, 2007, 2006 ...

  • Health: Bike to work, regular running, and back to swimming lessons.
  • Family: Date nights with Eriko, more time with kids, and more talk with siblings and cousins.
  • Growth: Read more books, write more blogs, and find ways for "me" time.
  • Hobbies: Build more crafts, work on the MG, and upgrade computing environment.

My theme for 2012: Balance

Balance activity with serenity,
wealth with simplicity,
persistence with innovation,
community with solitude,
familiarity with adventure,
constancy with change, 
leading with following.

- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Better learn balance. Balance is key.

Balance good, karate good. Everything good.
Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?

- Mr. Miyagi

Life is often compared to a marathon, but I think it is more like being a sprinter; long stretches of hard work punctuated by brief moments in which we are given the opportunity to perform at our best.

- Michael Johnson

Early Morning

| No TrackBacks
When my mind wanders to the subject of this blog, it quickly tries to fill the hole in my submission record with a dramatic tale - me, live-blogging daily as the world around me collapses. Why such dark images are conjured up when I consider writing my thoughts down is still a mystery - left for another entry.

I love early mornings - the quiet, the sunrise, the independence. I walk to work and the air is cool and crisp: enough to make your hands numb but not enough to seep into your core. Today I'm at work at 6:07 and (once I finish this) ready to jump-start what I hope will be a productive day.

Early mornings have a downside though, a double-edged sword. It is leaving the house before the three people I care most about wake up. Jerry, in particular, is especially distraught when I leave early. Two out of three mornings it will drive him to tears to find me missing. If I don't leave the house before he wakes up, then I'm committed to spending at least thirty minutes with him and more  likely an hour. It is just as difficult for me to separate myself from him.

He's so good at waking up soon after me that I have to wake up at five AM if I'm to get an early start. Last night before bed he stated plainly, "Daddy, I wake up when you do."


Humility Creed

| No TrackBacks
For those of us of who do not know, who question, or dare to contemplate the world - may our lives be filled with wonder. Force us to ask - How did I deserve this?

For those of us who know, who understand every facet, and who cannot conceive a different world - may our lives be filled with doubt. Force us to ask - How did I deserve this?

For it is only in the insatiable pursuit of truth, in the unbridled search for meaning among chaos, and the constant revaluation of ourselves that our lives are truly enriched.

Complacency is death - let us all remain humble.

Happy Easter, Happy Sunday, Happiness to all.

Seeds...

| No TrackBacks
I held Momoko for a few minutes after Eriko went to bed tonight and marveled at where life is. I can't remember exactly what it felt like to hold Jerry, only that he's always way out in front of me and I suspect that isn't ever going to change. Realizing this, perhaps I can remember more of these early details - but I suspect that is wishful thinking.

As I look around our small home, I see seeds - an avocado tree which will eventually outgrow its 19" pot, a piano which is far too large for a home this size, a motorcycle balloon hanging from the ceiling, and a table that clearly needs a larger kitchen. Those might all say "you need a bigger house", but only the first one did in my mind - the other images I see are Eriko's music career, Jerry becoming a man, and our family growing.

At work, I've recently been promoted "back" to a Director - but in a completely different role, in Product Management (vs Engineering). I can't help but feel wiser and more prepared now versus two years ago - but like this tiny home, my small team is littered with the seeds of the future. The company is littered with the seeds of the future - ideas, markets, and people.

In four years from now, where will be? Which seeds will grow - and in what direction?

PS Just finishing watching the first two seasons of Entourage - great series. 

Feeling the Crunch

| No TrackBacks
The first month of 2010 is past us. It was a good month, filled with activity and fun. As February begins I am beginning to fill a little overwhelmed. I have agreed to take on a LOT of items at work and as I look at my list I see 9 major deliverable this month alone. When I say major, I mean that they are all goin to be either highly visible, strategic, or both. 

To top all that off, the baby is coming. As a father, I don't feel the impending arrival like Eriko seems to. She spends every moment with this mysterious creature, whereas I am only reminded when her belly knocks me over. With Jerry, I spent more time in shared anticipation - but when he was born it took me several months to feel close to him. I suspect this child will be the opposite - not until I see the face will the full reality strike me, but knowing what an amazing thing it is to bond with a child I will want to start immediately. 

All of this tests my ability to get things done. I have done well with most of 2010 goals this far, although both Kanji practice and strength training have been neglected. I also noticed a worrying amount of procrastination the last two weeks as I'm faced with larger projects. The instant gratification of answering emails or making phone calls helps me feel accomplished, but time is running out. 

Diligence, indeed.

2010 - Diligence

| No TrackBacks
My goals page has been relatively unchanged for several years. As I reflect on it, these goals continue to be the most relevant near-term objectives that I have. I do tweak them slightly at times as my specific interests wax and wane. The ones that I tweak tend to be less specific and more theme-oriented, such as "stay technical" or "get back into science and mathematics." Those should be more specific - but for now, just consider them placeholders.

All this said, a goal is only a destination - and dreams are cheap. The real task is conceiving measurable steps which advance oneself, continuously, towards that destination. These steps have to be flexible enough to deal with the vagaries of life, but rewarding enough that the mere completion encourages diligence - a virtuous cycle of progress.

Diligence - this is my theme for 2010.

Diligence at home, diligence at work, and diligence with myself.

2010 will be yet another fast-paced year - perhaps the most I have experienced yet.

The responsibilities and demands at work should continue to increase, congruent with our success (which I can only hope exceeds my wildest expectations.) Needless to say (and I won't blog much about work here) I consider myself currently involved in the opportunity of a lifetime.

My second child should arrive late February (hopefully healthy and happy.) Everyone that I have spoken to says that the second child is more than double the effort of the first. Jerry keeps us on our toes so much that is difficult to imagine being pushed even harder - but "a burden of one's choice is not felt." 

Through all of this, I cannot lose sight of myself. This certainly happened, or nearly happened, for the first year or two with Jerry. I am only beginning to understand how to put all the appropriate emotional and mental boundaries that give the best that I can to my family and work while still leaving time for myself - and not feeling guilty about it. In the absence of these boundaries, my efforts begin to have diminishing returns. If taking 5 minutes to relax means that I can play with Jerry for an extra hour, that is 5 minutes well spent.

In the last 3 months of 2009 I adopted Remember the Milk, which is a task management system. I clearly have much more to improve upon, but developing a system for getting things done has paid off tremendously - I accomplish more, in a shorter period of time, and feel better doing it - all of which leaves more time for me and my priorities. This is yet another virtuous cycle, where I'm driven to higher levels of productivity and efficiency for the greater amount of time it affords me to do what I prefer.

As with each New Year, I am flush with the promise and possibility of change and hope is strong. I must now factor in diligence - the year will move quickly - I must strive for constant progress, no matter how incremental. 

My goals for 2010 are:

Swimming - I have wanted to learn to lap swim (not just doggie-paddle) for a lonnnng time. In 2009 I started running but quickly found that this was very hard on my knees. I had custom orthotics made (and perhaps they will help) but long-term, the sustainable exercise will be swimming. I signed myself up for lessons at Queen Anne Pool starting in January (and signed up Jerry for another round of lessons as well.)

Reading - 2009 was a wonderful year for reading blogs. I follow over 50 blogs on a weekly basis and read hundreds of posts; as Zack said, I read "too much." I would alter that statement slightly and say that I don't read enough compelling/relevant material and I'm not selective enough with my time. Bloggers are great - but there is a lot of chaff with the wheat. I will read one good book every three months.

Writing - this blog did not see a lot of love in 2009. I found it very difficult, between the chaos at home and at work (and more accurately, inside myself) to be diligent about personal introspection. I think that reflecting upon oneself and the world is the only thing that takes us out of the routine, allows us to see ourselves more clearly, and improve. I did more blogging for my company's site than I did for my own! I will generate a *good* blog post once every two weeks.

Health - I did a good job losing weight and eating better in 2009 - but there is still much room for improvement. While my weekly running campaign was a good start, if Zach is busy or I've had a long night I will typically skip the exercise. I need to find some way to make this more consistent. I would like to move beyond just cardiovascular and into strength training as well. I will exercise at least twice a week, once which will include some form of strength training.

Japanese - Of course, Eriko continues to speak to Jerry in Japanese - and this helps my listening comprehension. That said, my speaking, my writing, my vocabulary, and my reading have all dropped off precipitously. There is no good excuse for this - I want Jerry to learn to write and read and I can certainly put in at least that much effort. I found a great iPhone app, iKanji, and I have wanted a mobile study platform for a long time - this may help. I will learn at least one new Kanji per month.

Some of these steps are more aggressive than others - and rightfully so. As I grow more confident in a particular area, more efficient in others, I hope that new opportunities for accelerating my progress will emerge. At times, I will fail - but "the real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. It's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere."

Diligence.

Happy New Year!

2009 - Year in Review ...

| 1 Comment | No TrackBacks
2009 was a great year for me. 

I don't know that it started out that way - I came into this year struggling with my new career - while I was enjoying myself to some degree, I didn't feel as if I was excelling or accelerating. Some of that was likely due to my newfound distraction/obsession - the economic crisis. Some of it was due to my beloved Jerry growing up and demanding more of my time and attention, not less - and that was a struggle too.

Right around mid-year, things began to change. I started a running program with my co-worker, Zach. In retrospect, that helped a lot - not only did I lose about 7 pounds (and thus it helped my self-esteem) but I feel healthier too. I also went to my boss and asked for more - more clarity on the role, more clarity on what I needed to do to exceed, and most of all - more responsibility. With Jerry, I resolved myself to spend as much time with him as possible - which firmed up my priorities.

At work, the change has been very clear. I became an active blogger on our corporate website, an active spokesperson at conferences, headed up a new horizontal push, and spent more time on the road helping sales and customers. These things snowballed and I became more involved, it became more enjoyable, and I became more involved. Of course, then my co-worker's told me I was working too much. I thought things were balanced, but I'll take that into consideration.

Jerry has also begun to mature - around mid-year, he began to play constructively. Instead of destroying everything, we could build things together. That sort of play makes it so much easier for me to stay engaged (and not get distracted by silly things, like our economy.) I did find a better way to stay engaged in the news and I got myself an iPhone - both of which made my walk to and from work more productive and allowed me to claw-back a few moments of the day for myself.

It might not be coincidental that mid-year Eriko announced that she was pregnant. The expectant joy of another child will do wonders for snapping one out of a funk. 

The last two weeks here are a vacation for me and although we won't be spending time with Kevin and Melissa's family this year, I will get to spend it with my parents, my brother, and my sister. That's as good of a consolation prize as one can get it.

Enough rambling - Jerry is up and ready to play. 

Happy Holidays to All!

The Intervention

| No TrackBacks

Tonight after a fabulous steak dinner at RingSide, I was given an intervention by my
co-workers.

You're working too much.

You need to stop working when you're on vacation.

Don't burn out.

I thought I had established a good work/life balance - but they are right; I was on vacation last week and I never quite "left" work. Technically, what I have is a work/Jerry balance - which is perhaps part of the problem - no time for "me", no time for me and Eriko. 

I have vacation coming up next week, so this is a wonderful opportunity to step back from work a bit - and probably step back from the computer a bit as well. I need to figure out a plan for the Jetta (and the MG); it's not going to sell (or fix) itself.


This is going to be easier said than done...

Monthly Archives

About this Archive

This page is an archive of recent entries in the Introspection category.

House is the previous category.

Money is the next category.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.