Although my feelings are real, the causes are invented and blown out of proportion.
I have such high expectations for love but I must remember that Rome was not built in a day. On those days where the loving feeling is gone, I have plenty of other things in life which can bring me cheer.
December 2004 Archives
but we have become more distant since our last visit than before. i know that
patience is my friend, but it is difficult when you adore affection.
Seeing Eriko after these four months of almost no communication has so far been what
I feared -- she is distant and I am distressed. I am torn by my desire for affection and my desire not to rush her into that affection. Last night, I couldn't sleep and
I finally woke her up and asked to kiss her -- but it didn't really make me feel
much better. Who wants to ask for a kiss rather than be offerred? So I struggle. Dad told me that we would fall in and out of love. I had become accustomed to failing out of love when we weren't around each other, but had not anticipated it during a visit. I suppose it was just a matter of time, really. What is sad is that Eriko has been making entries into her diary often, which I have never seen her do, and I feel shut out. I'm jealous of someone she is emailing quite frequently, Akie. Not really sure if it is a girl or a guy, but I'm jealous anyway. Why shouldn't I be? She has spent more time in conversation with her journal and email then me, I think.
i elected to keep Bailey confined in the condo for two weeks instead of
risking her security and the security of the building.
it is strange knowing that you will change but not knowing how or when. even
the why isn't quite clear yet.
I was awakened last night by some strange moaning noise. I left my bed and
as I exited the bedroom and rounded the corner, I saw at least two animal
shapes on the floor. They immediately scrambled to exit it as quickly as
possible, claws scratching at the floor. It was quite awakening. To the best
of my knowledge, it was Bailey and an orange cat -- at least I observed the
two of them sitting on the lawn after the incident. They didn't appear to be
at odds with each other but I wasn't close enough to hear their conversation.
I spent the next hour up making a makeshift curtain out of cloth to cover the
open window. I'm not sure whether that will prevent any further intrusions,
however. My biggest concern is that Bailey will get assaulted in her home
while I am gone (like in Tacoma).
after three or four nights in a row of tortuous problem-solving dreams (where
i invent and attempt to "solve" a fictitious problem) i slept much better last
night. the pressure of my CS class is off and i didn't drink any alchohol after
8 PM (otherwise, i tend to be very dehydrated). i still had water too late as
i was woken up by a compelling need to take a short walk. i left the window
open all night and Bailey came and went without disturbing me. who knows, maybe
next year i can start sleeping through the night...
my final exam is on its way. i think i understood everything well, although
i may have taken some shortcuts on explanation. i'm hoping for a good grade.
i've decided that i want to statistically model the keys i type, so i can
develop a keyboard which is optimal to my usage patterns.
granted, i will have to sample for an extended period of time to avoid
influences such as where i'm working or what the latest
project is. i thought i was going to have to write a kernel module (i may have
to for FreeBSD) but linux has this wonderful
module called evdev which gives me trivial access to all input events. as i
type this, a tiny daemon is recording the time of
each keypress and release into a file which is undoubtedly going to grow too
large, too quickly. right now i am just logging each
event as it occurs -- but that obviously won't scale. the keystrokes file has
grown to almost 50k with not much more than this entry being typed... ;P
Bound by the ancient ropes of otoko-rashisa (manliness) to the pillar of Bushido (the way of the samurai), men are valued for being kamoku (silent), goken (strong in mind and body), ippongi (uncompromisingly earnest and honest), yukan (courageous) and daitan (bold).
Visually, it helps if they're kinnikushitsu (muscular) and kebukai (hairy) in the right places, like legs and wrists (for some reason, chest hair has always been a downer). Naturally, they're expected to be messy, to abstain from vigorous washing, to not care about what they eat, and to drink themselves into oblivion without losing their male decorum. It goes without saying that they're not supposed to whine or ask for sympathy.
fix all my bugs and make the existing software packages i maintain as good as
possible so i have nothing weighing on my mind.
my discomfort is slowing growing. the team i'm on is not valued as highly
among other teams in this organization. there is a tendency to poach talent
from this group. if i were capable of being poached, i wouldn't care -- but
since i'm a lead, i'm essentially ineligible. i'm tormented with envy and
jealously as i see myself become less technically proficient relative to my
peers -- and know that in my current capacity, that trend will only continue.
i realize that my love for the engineering is decreasing -- i don't seem to
love to code or hack anymore. i do it when it is necessary to get things done,
but i think i might enjoy knowing solutions to problems or ensuring that they
are solved rather than actually solving them myself. i'm really at a crossroads
as far as my career is concerned, and i'm relatively unsure as to the direction
i will ultimately choose. the indecision is driving me crazy, though, because
i am not good at standing still. i'm grateful for the many things i'm doing
right now (class & class) because they provide a sufficient distraction from
the ultimate monotony of this position. maybe i can do this position for a
while longer, if i have a sufficient number of other interests. again, i simply
do not know.
i rest.
Why is that I always seem to love at first sight, but those that I love are
oblivious to my heart pounding wildly? Do girls not love at first sight? I
suppose that society teaches a girl to be passive in her feelings. I am blessed
(or cursed) to throw my heart on the table, with the table of contents as plain
as can be. I must be patient; for the reader will take her time,
consuming each chapter at her own pace -- independent of my desire to see the
story unfold. I have no choice but to take comfort (or grief) in the simple
truth that all is well, that ends well.
It lies not in our power to love or hate,
For will in us is overruled by fate.
When two are stripped, long ere the course begin,
We wish that one should love, the other win;
And one especially do we affect
Of two gold ingots, like in each respect:
The reason no man knows, let it suffice,
What we behold is censured by our eyes.
Where both deliberate, the love is slight:
Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight?
- Christopher Marlow
i'd go back 50 years, find myself a nice bed and breakfast, and take a long
nap.
0700 alarm goes off
0702 crawl out of bed, relieved because i'm not going to exercise now
0705 feed and pet bailey
0710 check my email
0730 weigh myself, get dressed, bailey and i eat some ham
0745 leave for work
0755 arrive at work
0800 less productive morning
0945 team meeting; group seems a bit tired
0955 more work, less than productive
1130 leave for home
1135 surprise bailey
1145 hit the stairmaster, level 10 of 20, no hands
1215 hit the shower
1230 hit the road (for work)
1300 bi-weekly triage meeting + lunch. i enjoy this meeting
1400 back to work, or something like that
1730 on the bus headed for downtown
1800 at japanese class
2050 class is over, i'm standing in the cold
2100 back on the bus
2130 at home, bailey seeks attention
2145 eating peanuts and drinking some wine
2200 working on my ai final
2300 relaxing with some tv while writing this entry
0700 alarm goes off
0701 alarm gets reset to go off at 0900
0702-0750 i can't make up my mind to fall asleep or wake up
0750 i get out of bed
0751 i weigh my chunky booty
0752 bailey is ready for her morning petting/eating out of my hand
0800 i check my email using the laptop in the living room
0810 pick out my clothes, wander around aimlessly
0820 leave for work
0830 arrive at work
0900-0945 fire off about two code reviews. quite productive
0945 regular morning team meeting. everyone's alive
0950-1100 fire off two more code reviews. really moving today
1130 leave for home
1145 arrive home, after a quick rendevous with bailey, head for a workout
1230 leave for work
1240 arrive at work
1300-1630 another two or three code reviews. i'm on fire today
1640 leave for home by way of Larry's market since i'm hungry
1650 catch the bus up the hill instead of walking because i'm lazy
1700 arrive at home and gobble my food while watching a few minutes of tv
1725 leave for class
1755 park my car on the street
2030 leave UW a little early, as this was the last class
2050 get to trader joe's just before closing. buy some food and stuff
2105 at home, crack open my purchased Sapporo beer in front of the tube
2115 make myself a sandwich and check email from the laptop in the LR
2120 do a little work (commit a bug fix)
2135 move to the bedroom where i began to review my take-home final
2200 do some emailing
2230 write this diary entry before moving back to the LR for Seinfeld
i don't know what it is, but all of a sudden i'm undisciplined in my wakeups.
this morning i woke up about 5 (bathroom) and moved my alarm forward from 6 to
7. then i woke up at 7 and moved it forward to 9. i ended up getting up about
8, but all those breaks don't leave me with good sleep. i also missed working
out this morning. i know working out as something to do with it, because it
makes the process of waking up seem so much more expensive (or uncomfortable).
i'm hoping to go home at lunch and do a workout... or after class...
I think the Miata's battery might be ready for replacement. I don't know how
old it is; I haven't replaced it so it could be the original (and 7 yrs old).
It has been dead twice in the last two weeks, so I have it in the kitchen
on the charger. Maybe I can get a little more life out of it. It looks like
I'm in good shape as far as homework is concerned. I'm sure there are
incremental improvements I could make, but the hard stuff is solved. I might
play bridge or a computer game with some co-workers this evening.
i spoke at length with my boss tonight. i've had quite a bit of kernel envy for
some time and eventually it got to the point where i felt pigeon-holed, so i
wanted to talk about a way out. he made me think about valuing my "soft-skills",
my management skills, and reminded me that there are plenty of hard problems
to solve in the area i'm in.
i enjoyed the thanksgiving holiday so much that i'm suffering a bit of the
blues. my temper is a little short, i'm impatient and crabby, and i'm ready
for the next set of holidays. i gotta buck up though, this is crunch time.
i woke up this morning and felt a little tired. i thought of exercise and convinced myself that since it was mid-week, i could
put it off. i reset the alarm in haste (because i needed to fall back asleep before i reconsidered) and then i wasn't sure
whether i had set the time forward or the alarm. i wasn't really able to fall back to sleep solidly, as i began to wonder about
whether i would be late for work and that it was lame i had to be at work at a specific time. my thought process continued with
me debating the merits of being a boss and wondering if i could keep it up once Eriko was here. Bailey did a great job of being
quiet but eventually my thoughts overpowered my drowsiness and i woke up. i quickly re-evaluated my schedule and realized i
could certainly still exercise because i can work later tonight since i have no prior obligations. there was a bit of mental
convicing before i put on my exercise clothes and walked down the hall... only to hear someone else exercising. i didn't like
that at all and almost decided not to go through with it. after some more internal debates, i decided that at the very least
i had to get headphones so i could listen to Seinfeld in peace. as it turned out, the girl's presence in the room didn't
affect me in a negative way at all. she ran on the treadmill and even though that was right next to my station, Seinfeld kept
me sufficiently distracted. now i've made it five days in a row, but can i keep it up?