i should be going to asleep, but instead i managed to register eriko.org. i had just looked at it a few weeks ago and it was taken. lucky me.
August 2004 Archives
waiting for me in Seattle was the September issue of Sys Admin Magazine, with my name on the cover. now to
start thinking about my next article... in other news, i left my japanese
dictionary (the electronic one) on the plane. i'm just getting over being
bummed. the sad thing is that i was napping, woke up and saw the dictionary
in the seat back and told myself that i should get it out or i'll forget it.
of course, i went back to sleep and then forgot it. i put in a call to Air
Canada's lost and found, so now all i can do is cross my fingers.
Thursday
Eriko attended another tea ceremony class and I switched to my next book. This
book is much slower reading, so I wound up taking a nap in the living room.
Eriko and I spent time thinking about activities for our reception, and trying
to narrow down what the cost of the wedding will be. in the evening the family
all went out to yakiniku, which was a lot of fun. it was the first time that
Shogo was there so we had six in attendance. i really like yakiniku -- a lot
of different types of do-it-yourself grilled meat. just my type.
Friday
this was a pretty slow day. i remember taking a few naps (Eriko counted two)
and i looked at all four of Eriko's picture albums. then we (and Aine) went
to play practice. the room was much smaller and there were more familiar faces
this time, so i didn't read my book much or nap at all. afterwards, most of
the group went to yakitori for a party. it was fun, but a little tiring.
Saturday
we woke up late, as we were out until almost 2. soon after breakfast (i ate
more than Eriko) we rode our bikes for lunch at Mos Burger. then we headed to
the Nagoya Dome (indoor baseball stadium) in search of a cap of Ichiro's old
Japanese team. we got real lucky and found it. we rode a few blocks down the
street to the local community center and a had a fun time swimming for an hour.
back on the bikes, we headed in search of something sweet. she took me to a
neat shaved ice restaraunt which used fresh fruit. i had grape and she had
kiwi. both were yummy. after breakfast i answered questions about my new condo
and such for Eriko and her parents.
Sunday
after breakfast and goodbyes, Eriko saw me off at Nagoya airport. our farewells
are much more smooth as we both know we'll be together again soon. and soon
it will be permanent. i fell asleep on my short flight from Nagoya to Tokyo
and am now using a free internet service (and a java ssh client) provided by
Yahoo Japan as i wait for my long flight to Vancouver.
Sunday
arrived at the airport and spent the evening with Eriko and her family. any
questions i had about how to bring up our marriage were answered immediately.
as soon as i walked into the kitchen, her mom read to me a few sentences she
had translated.
Monday
it was Eriko's birthday and she had a surprisingly high number of things
scheduled. i watched her attend a Kimono-wearing class, went to the bank,
post-office, and then a tea ceremony class. in the evening the family went
out to a familiar Vietnamese restraunt to celebrate Eriko. a little late
evening drama.
Tuesday
let the wedding planning begin. Eriko and I spent several hours trying on
kimonos and western outfits. she selected two kimonos and a dress; i selected
a kimono and a tux. it was fun and i have begun to feel excited and nervous.
in the evening we went to Eriko's play practice. the cast members were very
welcoming to me and i had fun. i did take a few cat naps during repetitive
scene rehearsal. the cast members will throw a party for me on Friday.
Wednesday
we travelled to Atsuta Shrine, which is where we will be married. it is
amazing, beautiful, and foreign to me. we walked around the grounds of the
shrine and also through the indoor ceremony room. it should be familiar to
Eriko's family but mine will be quite surprised. we then proceeded to tire
ourselves by doing some gift shopping. in the evening Ken's family came to
visit and i played Legos with Kenta. Sakura was ill so the visit was a little
hectic but i had fun. Eriko's mom made onimiyaki which i really like and showed
me how to do it as well.
i had a real hard time sleeping last night. it was raining in Nagoya and it
is very humid and hot. mom's letter to Eriko's parents caused some unnecessary
drama. her mom was very concerned and said she would have Eriko said lots of
letters to mom. it was made worse by me, who was less direct than i should
have been. i said that mom would be fine after Eriko visits in December, but
i should have just said that she was worried and there was nothing more to
it. Eriko was upset by her mother's reaction but hopefully my last point will
come across. of course, i'm not mad at mom, she was just being honest. in the
future i need to think a little before i answer. (not that i would have
realized without experiencing it, but...)
when i am finally at peace with myself, i will die.
i have to wonder whether i really want a PhD in math or whether i'm just
a desperado, wishing for that which i don't have
of course, once my brain starts analyzing a point, it cannot stop until it
has come up with some theories. i have two as a consequence:
i like positions of authority: a husband, a dad, a manager, a professor.
i think too much, often confusing myself. i need to focus on subjects with
clear cut answers -- mathematics. computer science is halfway there, but there
are lots of different ways to do things and still arrive at the same result.
if i don't think there is a clear cut answer, i tend not to think. i just try
and feel.
in writing to Susie, i always end up expressing myself in some way or another.
i have no idea about the accuracy of such statements, but they flow like water
with no resistance.
i think the reason why i'm having a mid-life crisis is because i look at
where i am now and i extrapolate it to 15 or 20 years and i don't find
happiness there. slaving away for 10+ hours a day on the computer doesn't
give me a warm fuzzy feeling. perhaps it never did, i just never took the
time to think about it. when i was younger, i always wanted to play the
'game' until i got a bunch of money and then retire to do something i liked.
well, that isn't a very healthy attitude because making that money is either
going to take much longer than i want or cause me to sacrifice myself in the
process. either of which is a loss -- it isn't the money i want, it is
the time to do something i like.
as the foundations of what i want to do with my life are shaken, everything
goes with it. if i don't want to program computers for a living (which i've
thought of since i was in high school), what do i want to do? what do i
like?
working drains almost all my creative energy. luckily i find Japanese class
very interesting otherwise i would do nothing in the evenings. even with
that, i'm falling behind in class because i have no energy to study outside
of class. even at work, i'm not that creative. it is so obvious i don't want
to be there by the way i solve problems. i don't think. i just keep trying
things until something works. perhaps that is just who i am, but that is
certainly not who i think i want to be.
i like working with people more than i like working with computers. i think i
always have. in college i was constantly tutoring my friends and leading
projects. this is the second job where i'm managing people and i like it.
being a professor is just an extension of that feeling. naturally, i'm not
that much of a people person -- i'm only a people person when i'm in a
position of authority. i've always been curious at math and always a little
ashamed that i don't know it anymore. when i was a wee little boy i used to
be good at it. i have no idea how i'm going to get from where i am now to
where i want to be but i sure am hoping i can find something.
the diary forces me to be honest and express myself. i'm the kind of guy who
will just hold all my thoughts and feelings inside and hope the world guesses
what i want. well, i don't think it really works that way, at least not when
i interact with other people. having the diary has been great for me, because
when i have something i'm thinking about which i can't stop thinking about, i
write it in the diary. suddenly it is out there. it doesn't have to be
constrained in my mind. now i don't have to keep thinking of it for fear that
the thought will die off (not that i explicitly do that, but...)
i have a desire to write a detailed report of the last few days, but no time nor
energy to do it. so i'll just give the highlights:
Saturday: changed front brakes on the Miata with Aaron's assistance, then had
Indian food with Aaron and his fiance Carol
Sunday: watched a Mariner's game and then went to Neal's housewarming party. both were enjoyable. (Mariner's game was on TV).
Monday: long day at work followed by Japanese class. good day.
Tuesday: long day at work followed by a Mariner's game on the tube and laundry.
another good day.
Wednesday: woke up real early so I could talk to Eriko on the phone. that is
the highlight of my week. X) another long day at work followed by Japanese
class.
in writing an email to Susie, i finally put into a complete thought what i've
slowly been figuring out... i have the ability to put really high expectations
on people. i've seen this several times lately. i had really high expectations
that mom wasn't supposed to express dissatisfaction with dad; i had high
expectations of Susie and Brian's time; and most of all, i always have
extremely high expectations of my girlfriends. i've really had to learn to
acknowledge this with Eriko as i put expectations on her that are unreasonable
for anyone else in my life, including people who have known me from birth. it
is nice to figure out stuff like this because it gives me a "notecard" to
refer to when i don't feel at peace. now i've got to start considering whether
the expectations are most strongly placed on myself... leading to unnecessary
frustration... and no motivation...
i have about 4 or 5 books laying about the house which i've started. i have
a list of weekly goals, a schedule template, but ... i misplaced that
motivation! tonight when i'm sitting on the couch i'll try to remember where
i put it.
i am finally starting to admit to myself that i am a lazy bones. i haven't
called Eriko on the phone since January. that's just one example.
i have to admit that although i told myself that i didn't want my birthday to
be any big thing, i can't help but notice when people dear to me don't remember.
luckily i'm sure i'll forget many a thing so i can just keep this as a get
out of jail free card. ;P
i think that it is hard to analyze such an extended period of time when most
of my senses are so fixated on what immediately surrounds them. with that in
mind, my age is just an arbitrary point on the line segment which is my life.
i don't know how far i've come; i don't know how far i'm going. i can only look
at where i am to judge the quality of my existence. i feel pretty good. every
day i learn more about who i am, what i want, where i need to be. i grow more
comfortable with my own skin, my limitations, my gifts. i know, though, that
the roller coaster has not hit the big hill yet. i'm nervous, i'm scared, i'm
excited. all i can do is hang on tight and enjoy the ride.
i am beginning to realize that i enjoy cooking. i don't enjoy shopping for the
components nor cleaning the mess -- but the actual cooking part is fun.
i lost $10 tonight. that puts me at +$10 for the entire poker experience. win
some, lose some. ;P on another note, i've switched to a different pillow. i took an old pillow i had, rolled it up, wrapped twine around it, and put it in
a pillow case. it is essentially a log which i'm hoping will solve my pillow
problems. last night was the first try, not sure what i thought about it.