its still disorganized and messy and i'm still in a state of being alone shock
but i can feel myself enjoying it more and more. Bailey woke me up before 5 AM
again this morning, although she didn't venture very far outside. this time i
stayed up and made myself breakfast, took a shower, washed dishes. i arrived at work quite early, before 7. which is good because i've pumped out fixes for
3 bugs so far -- leaving me with two assigned bugs remaining, both samba, which i am looking forward to. i don't doubt that i will receive more alerts related bugs before too long but i'm happy to take an aggressive attitude towards keeping my plate clean. i'm not hearing much from Eriko and I find myself anxious after writing her, awaiting her reply. i don't like that feeling and realize that i need to turn my demanding energy inside. actually, it is already inside, i need to direct it to productive use instead of having it remain pent up. i think i can do this, i have a very strong desire to do some computing projects and drill for the GRE.
September 2003 Archives
its still disorganized and messy and i'm still in a state of being alone shock
about 4:45 this morning, I awoke to Bailey muttering to herself (and to me,
imagine). finally assuming she wanted to go outside, i opened the door. i
saw her go to the right and come back in a little later. i shut the door but
she wasn't satisfied and this probably repeated several times. so, i put on a shirt so as not to freeze completely and decided to show her the way. i would walk about 5 feet and whistle and she would come towards me, reluctantly. showing her the stairs was fun, she kept trying to squeeze her way into the little gaps. i can't imagine the revelation she felt when she started to explore. she only explored for 10 or 15 minutes before i started whistling for her to come back (i was cold) and wanted to make sure she would get the experience of coming back to the apartment. she made a couple of wrong motions towards other people's apartments but since i was moving behind her she didn't stop until we got to the door. all and all it was an amazing moment.
i have yet to move the TV, dresser, couch, and desk. they are too big for me
to move by myself (especially since i can't find the darn cart). almost
everything else is moved, however, including Bailey. she did not like being
moved and my arm and chest can prove it. ;P she's very timid and shocked now
but i'm hoping she'll relax and recover as the apartment gets put together
and she spends more time in it. which reminds me, i should get back to her.
i'm typing on David's computer up in the old apartment since i won't have
internet access until Oct 1. [i'll be OK, i have work.]
Politician: An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of
his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman,
he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
Feelings of lonliness and longing tear at me; desires bombard my senses;
confusion swirls in my head. Then I read a sweet word; a beautiful memory
floods my realm; I find that place in me -- the place that gives me the
power to stay my course.
i got the keys to the new apartment last night. =) i'm very excited. additionally, i had a moment of bravado and i actively met the Japanese lady who lives next door. i asked her if i could come speak with her on occassion and she in turn suggested we setup a regular weekly meeting! that's very exciting. i had a few extra bugs added to my list but i'm up early and ready to tackle them. =)
or rather, a man's reaction to a woman -- is very tricky. i can actually say
that i have had quite a few girlfriends and had a variety of experiences with
them. i have fallen victim to the ego, lust, infatuation, guilt, jealously..
those are all obviously wrong reasons to be with a girl. my old landlord told
me something that i thought was very compelling -- he said the most important
thing in dating a woman is attraction. raw attraction. i think that is the
first step for a man. i knew i was attracted to Eriko the moment i was near
her. it is a very deep attraction. her appearance, her personality, her culture, her family. very attractive to me.
i had this dream that i knocked some ugly chick up. i was very grateful when i woke-up to realize it was not true. i can't really describe the source of thanks; it comes from somewhere inside me that i don't get access to every day. a good girl loves me. i can't will up the emotion to support the depth of my words but i know i will feel it; it will catch me off-guard. i put this quote on my home page and it seems so true that i'm almost caught off-guard. "Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, whatever the attitude of the body, the soul is on its knees." wow, wow, wow. i was thinking as i walked to work that it isn't this diary, as accepting as it is, that matters if i'm thankful. i hope, i wish, i dream, i pray -- that my girl knows how grateful i am. grateful for her. oops, caught off-guard, i weep.
I went swimming for the first time since last Tuesday? I had a real difficult time then and I have to admit I have been a little apprehensive... but today went really well. I discovered that if I do what my instructor told me and get the right body position in the water then I tend to glide along the surface. I'm still very uncoordinated but if felt really good. I swam for about 50 minutes and didn't really feel that winded. It also helped that the two other people in the slow lane actually went slow (and in some cases, I had to wait for them!) Today's been a pretty good day. I woke up early, went to the post office to notify them of my change in address, did a load of laundry, made a nice ham/cheese/egg mush for breakfast, went swimming, went to the library, got my apartment transfer papers from Larry the landlord (and he thinks I can move in Friday!), made myself a shredded BBQ sandwich for lunch, went and saw the movie "Underworld" with David, and spent a few moments letting Bailey make swiss cheese out of my arm. I borrowed "The Men" (starring Marlon Brando, which I will probably watch this evening), Carl Sagan's "Billons and Billons", and a learning Japanese for children book/cassette tape. I'm currently running some tests on my program for work as I attempt to find a memory leak. My mom seems to be doing a lot better and my dad actually made some gourmet (but simple) meals, which gives me some inspiration for my own cooking aspirations. Perspiration? Respiration? Transpiration? (I admit the last one came from /usr/share/dict/words). ;P
there is a beautiful rainbow over the puget sound.. its fading fast but at one time its colors were vibrant and subtle. i'm glad to know that the work week is almost over; i look forward to having no real responsibilities for two days. no big plans, just relaxing and having fun with my NERRRRRRRRdom.
i feel a little under the weather and i'm a tad worried i might catch cold. i took some vitamins and tried to eat a big dinner (albiet, a big late). soon i will go to bed so i won't write more. besides -- why write when you can talk? ;P
love is not something you hold
love is not something you make
love is not something you will
love is not something you know
boy am i lucky. aren't we all?
Well, I decided to accept Larry's counter-offer of $575 and rent apartment #104. It means that I will have about a 44% increase in rent; slightly less than then the 100 % increase I will encounter on my utilities and Internet connection. The price of living alone. I could have searched for a random roommate; to be honest, David has been such a good roommate I think it would be very difficult indeed. I also could have found a cheaper place -- although I was having trouble meeting all my needs: enough space to hold all my junk, cat-friendly, close to work, and cheap. The ease of moving and month-to-month rent really helped seal the deal. Now I'm anxious to do it, of course -- when in reality I have to wait until at least October 1st. Poor Eriko was hit by a car while riding her bike Sunday night -- she ran a red and banged her knees and elbow up. Thankfully, the only loss was that of her bike.. and maybe a little pride.
Mommy recommended The Maltese Falcon and I concur with her judgment! It was a
very enjoyable movie. I borrowed it from Carol, Aaron's girlfriend -- and my
only complaint is that there is a 30 minute documentary _before_ the movie. I
understand that nobody would watch it unless it if it were placed after.. but
come on -- put it after! ;P I didn't do much today and it took me twelve hours
to do it. I saw the movie 'Lost in Translation'; It was entertaining but I
would rank it as a rental. Finally bought some more Jockey shirts -- after mom
told me to throw out my old ones I was down to the 6 she gave me -- I couldn't
go a week without doing laundry. Now I can go almost two. =) I await my
landlord's response to my $550 offer; he scoffed at my $500 offer. If he balks
at $550 I will have to kick my apartment search into a higher gear and may have
to trade space for proximity, or proximity for price. Fortunately or not, I
have quite a few belongings -- and some of them are kinda big. I am definitely
looking forward to living in my own place. Something about being in charge of
all aspects is exciting.
i went for pizza with lisa and we talked about Eriko and her boyfriend, Ken. then we met up with the homies at mcmenamins : mark, aaron, jerry, joe, and melanie. it was fun -- but the best thing was that i held my lavish self in-check, i had one piece of pizza and one glass of wine. =) i'd rather have spent the evening with Eriko, i think.
Apparently I am helping contribute, as a portion of my patch for clamav-milter was accepted by the maintainer and submitted upstream to the maintainer of clamav. It feels awesome to contribute!
Eriko sent me an email in which she talked about a conversation she had with her mom. Her mom asked her if she was getting married soon and Eriko responded, "i don't think so." Then her mom told her that they need time to save up for the wedding. I think the joyous moment for me is that knowing that I don't need to rush and knowing that she doesn't need to rush -- if our love is true then there is nothing else we need to ask for. Thinking that both our parents are giving their blessing is just icing on the cake. Good, semi-sweet icing not that super sugary stuff that I don't like. ;P
they say 'alls well that ends well.' my only complaint about this weekend is that its almost over. ;P i wasn't as productive as last weekend but thats OK. i think i'm going to be busy this next week; tomorrow i visit UW to attend a meeting for those interested in the PMP, tuesday i meet with my apartment manager to check out a studio. i'd like to go swimming at least twice this week, do some GRE study, nail at least one or two of priority 1 todo items, and completely clear out my bug queue at work. i hope mom recovers quickly and fully.
I've had a good week so far. There have been some ups and downs but I think I'm making good progress on my bugs at work (even if they are the most of anybody). I'm sure it doesn't look very good for me to have so many bugs. Once they're fixed it isn't so bad but right now its not so good. ;P Eriko is missing me and I'm missing her but we both know that neither of us can come running over; she has to figure out what she wants to do and I need to get my career moving. I feel realy lucky; we've been having some good, in-depth discussions lately and I like the way she thinks.
i didn't go swimming tonight. why? i was enjoying talking to David. my frustration occurs because i can't do everything i want, i have to make choices and live with them. where is the fun in that?
I cleaned the house, washed the car, dealt with a broken server, went to an impromptu BBQ, and found out that my roommate
is moving out. That last one just happened. ;P I had quite a few ideas of what to write in my diary before I was knocked
into reality with the news. The funny thing is, I had the feeling that things were going to change. ;P I think its because
I finally got my room into this really sweet layout and I had taken pride in the apartment and cleaned it. Ahhh! Life!
Eriko sent me an email from the computer for the first time in a long time today. I was pleasantly surprised. Actually,
she sent me two; I had replied to her first one. I touched on a sore spot when I mentioned Bailey; she hasn't made her
peace with my having Bailey yet. It doesn't bother me, Bailey is low maintenance and tends to grow on people even when
they least expect it. I'm living proof. =) I'd better write an email to my girl so I get to bed. Its late. Oh, I watched
Two Towers tonight at Alex's house. It wasn't as bad as I expected but it was a little long. ;P