My wrist hurts a little. I've been working too much; more than I want. If
anything, it helps the time pass quickly; yet when I pause everything seems
sooo slow. I am excited to go home. Excited to see my family; excited to see
my girl. I have a lot of work to do. Sometimes I wonder if I will finish it;
but what is the point in wondering that? I saw Dr. Kim this morning, she
said the skin on my face had cleared up quite a bit. I'm pleased but I wonder
if I will ever understand why I didn't see someone like her earlier. Pride,
perhaps. I'm often very convinced I can solve all the world's problems on my
own. In reality, I can barely solve my own problems. I think it is time
I leave work now; I was watching a movie last night, 'State and Main' and I
want to finish it tonight. In addition, I need to make vocabulary flash cards.
English this time, for my GRE study. I wonder though, I'm not sure how
motivated I am just yet. I want to get my job under control and to the point
where I come in and leave in a reasonable amount of time and I think that
will make my free time more productive too.
July 2003 Archives
I woke up about 7:30... actually, I woke up at 3 to check on the build, which I did not break. Whew. I actually got
out of bed close to 8. I had a nightmare in which I cheated on Eriko and then I was going to tell her. I woke up very grateful that it was just a dream and was tempted to tell about it. I know I have a deep desire to tell her everything. I think that is a good thing. But as she told me once, I have to do it little by little. I had a long day at work today. I got lots of stuff done but I'm not really sure if I am any closer to being done. Well, I take that back -- when I leave for Anchorage, I will be done. Knowing there is an end helps me not get so frustrated or let the pressure get to me. I just want to do the best that I can.
I forgot to write last night, so I'll try and recall it now : I worked for about 5 hours yesterday -- for the most part it was good productive work and I felt good about it; then Susie came online and I screwed around a bit. Nontheless, I left work right after 5, which I planned on doing. Got some yummy Tup Tim Thai and ate that along with a beer. Laundry! Then I did 5 loads of laundry, stretched out over about a 2.5 hour period. I watched the first third of Scarface on David's computer while this was occuring, and recompiled my kernel. 2.6 has some strange quirks, it seems a little less responsive for me. Then I watched the international version of The Professional, entitle Leon -- it definitely had more of a lolita flair but it gave more meaning to the story. I am still not satisified with my computer setup, I want it to be a nice hobby area where I can just hack and play. I might be on the right track because I've decided that there is no point in trying to have a dual-pu!
rpose desk, I cannot study there with the computer, it is too distracting. I'm thinking I should either study at the kitchen table or start going to the library. I want to learn to study. Well.
I am spending my Friday night relaxing with some mind-numbing entertainment.
After work I had dinner with Kaya, my co-worker. I like Kaya. We went to McMennaminns and each had the Captain Nemo burger and a Ruby (beer). Then I came home and while watching Mystery Men I organized some papers, receipts, etc. that had long been overdue. My main purpose was to find the receipt for my UW class so Isilon can reimburse me. I finally got snoopy back online after replacing his power supply with one that my co-worker, Skye, didn't want. Now I am upgrading to kernel version 2.6-test1 and updating all my Debian packages. Well, the computer is doing that, I am in David's room watching About Schmidt and writing this.. ;P
It was a pretty entertaining movie that David rented. Lots of action, with some
heros and political stuff thrown in too. It wore me out! I elected to relax
this evening rather than stay late at work. Soon, bedtime.
I've been at work way too long tonight, but I got some shit accomplished.
About time! I hope the productivity streak can continue. I had my last
swimming class tonight, we learned the elementary backstroke, or chicken-airplane-soldier. It was cool. I feel more and more natural in the water everytime I get in, now I just need practice, practice, practice! I secured vacation today at work for going to visit Eriko in December. I'll be gone Dec 4th - 14th.. and I'll get to see Eriko perform in a drama while I'm there! I'm excited. I also grabbed some vacation time to visit the fam; I need to buy a ticket 20th - 28th. And! Susie agreed to be my date for the Real Dave's wedding. Just my way of surrouunding myself with all the people I love at one time. Tae will be there, I haven't seen that fucker for a while... I hear he is doing well and I'm glad. Time to leave work, go home, eat some pretzels, read some of Politika, take a shower and ZZZZzzzz.... (of course, I should insert attend to Bailey's needs in between each item.. ;P
Got to work about 9 today; I was up late making sure that a build finished,
and I was worried it would break so I had to set my alarm for a couple hours
into it to check; sure enough, broke again. Finally I fixed it but I didn't
particularly enjoy losing sleep. ;P I worked pretty well today, got quite a
few things accomplished and I am _almost_ feature complete. Tomorrow will
be the day. I was happily sitting at my cubicle, watching some spew on the
screen when Aaron and Lisa invited me for drinks. We went to Floyds, had
some BBQ and beer, and then went to 10 mercer. I had a total of three beers
over the course of about 3 hours or so, but I'm sleepy. Eriko asked if I
could visit her sooner and so I got permission to take some time off in
November -- I will buy my ticket if/when she agrees on the dates. I'm really
looking forward to her visit.
So I realized today that I don't hate my job; I have simply been pushing the
threshold on burning out. I made some pretty big mistakes, many due to my
false assumptions about what my co-workers would do for me and what I was
expected to do. I realized that the most important goal I have is to make sure
that I'm doing well on a day to day basis -- of course, I know this, but can't
seem to remember it. My boss approved my request for an additiona week off,
so I can go see my good buddy Miyamuktuk get married. Who would have thought. I can remember like yesterday the days of Patrick, Yuji, Brandon, Bird. I still see Brian often, or at least often enough to know what he's up too, how h. Every one else is pretty much a mystery. My friendship with Yuji will probably never be repaired; he's prideful and I'm impatient. Patrick is probably off spreading his seed in foriegn lands.. God only knows how many children he has now. Brandon and Bird? Probably roommates. No need to talk about who is on top. I watched a comedy with Margaret Cho tonight, by David's invitation. Gotta put the TV to some use. It was good stuff. 3 more weeks until I see Eriko.
I have tried to refrain from writing in my diary on a whim, but rather to do
it habitually at the same time everyday, etc, as my budyd David suggested.
Unfortunately, I'm just not there yet. ;P He's getting married, BTW, and once
the ring goes on his finger I will have officially won a $50 bet that I placed
with my dad as a teenager. We didn't bet on the duration of the marriage, but
I am hoping it can stand the test of time. Anyway, I am seriously starting to contemplating "switching canoes," as my dad calls it. Otherwise known as : a career change. I'm not getting what I could be/should be out of this development work. Programming is enjoyable but it is enjoyable for me as a hobby. I want to be a professor.
Sometimes I think -- if only I could do this over, or give me a chance to do that again, etc. Flawed is the past, confused is the present, perfect is the future. It is interesting, this human experience, and the desire to improve. For ince, if I could do it over, I would not have bought a car until a few years after I graduated from college. Cars are expensive to own, and often sit unused. I especially would not have bought an old car that I would have to maintain, but would rather have bought a brand new car. Anyway. Now that I have done what I have done, I have two cars to maintain. One just needs an oil change, the other needs a lot more. If I ever manage to get away from work.... ;P
My brother complained that I never write to you anymore. I think he is just
lazy. He doesn't have a diary in which I can look up things about his life.
I feel that there is unbalanced communications between us. He told me he was going to get a cat, but I don't know if he did. He told me he was going to work on a new project, but I don't know if he is.
The thorn remains. It's removal is a slow and steady process, which is painful n its own right. Somewhere, somehow, it will be removed. Breast stroke today. Innnteresting.
Brian and I went out for dinner tonight and when the meal was finished, the topic of tip came up. He suggested 15%, to which I responded "you are generous for a med student." Chaos, argument, hurt, discussion and peace followed. He recommended that I learn to be more in the normative. I can be a cheap asshole in some respects, no doubt about it. But I think that I can be very generous when I choose to be -- I think that I am a wide variety of things and although I can be pigeon-holed by specific behavior, I don't think you can do so in general.
I wake up, kiss my wife, and roll out of bed. It is early -- the sun still sleeps. I head for the pool, arriving as it opens. My swimming is effortless; the water and I have made our peace. My mind whirls, analyzing and organizing my schedule and priorities for the day. I leave the pool, refreshed and alert. I return home, to help my wife make breakfast and get the children ready for school. I drive the kids to school, the ones who don't take the bus, and begin to receive/make phone calls from my car after dropping them off. I do a little consulting besides my day job, a professor.
After arriving at work, I meet with my collegaues before lectures begin. The air is competitive, constructive, academic. We all have our strengths, our weaknesses -- and our mutual respect. I lecture students, trying to pass along a hint
of my knowledge and experience; I hope I can inspire just one to charge beyond his "limit," to strive for what she dreams. Lunch comes, and today I am meeting with my wife; we do this as often as our schedules permit. She has our youngest with her, but he is worn out from morning playtime and naps. Our conversation is light and enjoyable, we poke fun at each other.
My afternoon consists of more lectures and office hours, which I enjoy very much. The chance to speak with and help students on an individual basis is much more exciting for me -- and it provides me with a chance to learn from them; learning being my driving force in life. Of course, I have research and paper writing to do -- I have become so comfortable in the world of theory that this is a playground to me.
I hit the University pool before returning home to help with dinner; actually, I am the sole cook tonight as I am making my favorite curry. I manage to draft a daughter and son to help; it is really more company then assistance. My wife returns and we eat; she cleans up while I get the kids started on homework.
I do some homework too, working on a software program I have been contracted to create. It is coming along nicely but much work remains. I hear the sounds of music as my wife and daughter learn the violin, the sounds of a computer video game as my son enhances his reflexs and problem-solving skills. And the purring of my cat, comfortably resting near my feet.
With the kids tucked in, my wife and I retire to the comforts of each other, and soon, tomorrow comes.
How do I celebrate my independence? By being a complete and utter anti-social nerd. I slept in, played on the computer, went into work (where I goofed off and watched two movies), got some delicious Thai take-out -- and am now winding down with a glass of wine and an rsync. I'm very curious how Bailey will take the fireworks tonight; which reminds me, I wonder if I will be able to see something cool from my deck. I think so.