May 2003 Archives

I've taken a break from my obligations to ... rearrange my room! I bought a 19" monitor for 20 bucks today (a great deal) and so I had to completely rearrange my room so that I can use it. I've made myself a little office in the corner and so far I like it. No need to mention the disaster outside the office ... ;P

I have looked at this book on my shelf so many times that I have lost count. Finally, tonight, I pick it up, with the intention to learn and to enjoy. My homework is not yet finished but I have spent four grueling hours coming up with tiny bits of information. Admittedly, I am closer -- making each minute worth it. Tomorrow at work I need to ensure that my daemon can correctly handle distributed operations -- I am aware of several bugs and expect many to come. ;P Oh, and Eriko killed somebody -- in her dream.

A book by Mr. Gates which I have not read -- but that is not the topic here. In the coming week I have a project I need to finish at work, along with two homework assignments and an exam to begin studying for. Eriko has communicated to me that she is feels more light in life; I am glad that by speaking our minds we have improved both of our conditions. Honesty and communication -- how about that?!

I believe what has occurred recently has been the bursting of the romantic bubble that I have been encased in. I realized what I was feeling, I realized that I was hurt and upset, and I had the courage to act on it. I had to tell Eriko that I was considering leaving her, and why. In some ways I felt as if I could be pushing her away, but I couldn't pretend that I wasn't upset. My friends have given me good advice -- and bad advice. Somehow it seems I have been lucky enough to take the best from each. Eriko understood me, knowing that I grow sick with worry. We want to be together, we want to grow to love each other. I think this is a real step forward.

i realize that i become convinced that you are thinking or feeling some way
when it may not be true at all -- maybe i am so impatient and demanding that
it is easier for me to believe what my head is telling me than to wait for
you to give me an answer.

i don't want to leave you. i want to learn to love you. not just the paltry
quick love-at-first-sight but true, deep, meaningful love. i don't know how
to do it, though. i'm clueless, actually. but i figure the best way to start
is to be as honest with you that i can be.

so there you go. i understand if you don't want to be with me. i know a lot
about computers but nothing about love.

so i have recently begun to realize that when i fall in "love" this shield
falls over my eyes and numbs my body. it makes me feel euphoric and enslaves
me at the same time. i willingly submit to it, unaware of the pain and stress
that is being inflicted on my soul. i am a drugged slave, trading my life for
a few more minutes of "love." St. Paul described love (a butchered version):

Love


is patient and kind

is not jealous

is not conceited or proud

is not rude or selfish or irritable

keeps no record of wrongs

is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth

never gives up

always believes, hopes, and endures

is eternal. 

I don't know. I just got off the phone with Brian and he told me (and I
agree) that I have been a complete and utter idiot.

I put "the cart before the horse," or rather I thought (and think) of
marriage before I establish good lines of communication and really get to
know someone.

My heart is wild and I don't (yet) have the strength or wisdom to control
it.

I continue to make comparisons between Baily and Eriko in my head. I never really knew why I picked up Bailey. Part of me says it was because she was so cute; another part says that I felt a need to provide and protect her, since nobody else offered; another part says that I was lonely and jealous of other's companions. Bailey and I didn't spend much time together during the beginning of our relationship. I didn't make time for her and circumstances prevented her from casually interacting with my daily routine. As it was, we grew differently. I'm not sure if it just clicked one day or if it happened more gradually than I can remember, but we began to take note of each other. I can recall the first time I really noticed that she missed me. I had left for Alaska to visit the family and when I came home she laid on my bed and let me rub her tummy. I don't think she has ever done that again. Now she has become an integral part of my life; it is difficult to imagine life without !
her.

I just arrived at work but I have to remember what I have learned this morning. Over the weekend I sent Eriko a torrent of email -- essentially my thoughts and feelings at different points in time. For some reason I was feeling brave and talkative. I woke up this morning about 5:30 and the email response I received from her said "I don't care what you think." I laid back in my bed to consider this statement in between naps. I realized the similiarities between this and a moment I had with Melissa, when we were outside Church talking. I had been ranting about the merits of drugs the entire car ride, and although she had offered some mild opposition, I thought she was enjoying the discussion, or at least interested in what I had to say. Naturally, I was way off, and she reacted in fury -- yelling and banging her fist against the window. I remember feeling as if I had done absolutely nothing wrong; she could have made it clear she was uncomfortable, etc. Long distance makes things difficult because I don't know if Eriko's answer is caused by rage or apathy. In either case, I find her reaction ridiculous and childish. Not that we aren't all children, but supposedly we are discussing "grown-up" things. As I did with Melissa several years ago, I will do with Eriko -- leave her alone; let her figure "it" out. ;P Now onto work.

I still want to help Eriko out with her loan. Whether I like it or not, my nature is to be generous to those I care about; I am naive to assume that I cannot be taken advantage of -- however, the right woman for me won't take advantage. I can't see into the future with a crystal ball. I can't guarantee that if I help Eriko with her loan that will spend our lives together. But at the same time, maybe one day we will be married -- can I guarantee that she will stay with me after I buy her a car? Or a house? No; there is always uncertainty and with that, doubt. Being taken advantage of is when you do something you don't want to; or you do something in a way that you don't want to. I want to help Eriko with her loan. But I do it my way. Time for b..zzzzz

It is abundant today but I only see it in passing. I just read a very interesting article -- a little over my head but it was fun to skim and I think I understand the main points. I am now at work, feeling relaxed and ready to hack. Especially since the laundry is almost done (needs to be folded) and I enjoyed pancakes and bacon for breakfast. =) Oh, and I didn't leave my bed until 11. ;P

I know that is has some interesting Catholic connotations but I am not indicating any of them here. I see the road ahead as difficult but attainable; I can easily be overwhelmed with gratitude as I feel the warmth in my heart, knowing that I don't need to look anywhere to feel love; although I feel the pain and weariness of my tasks ahead I have a strong sense of hope that they will not be in vain. I am referring to school, work, and my Eriko. But I suppose you could still find some similarities with Catholicism. ;P

Another assignment done. I'm not sure how well I did on that one, but here's to hoping... I have a very busy day ahead of me tomorrow, all at Isilon. I really need to put in some extra hours.

I always claim I am impatient; etc. Apparently, however, there are times when I can be patient -- waiting for Eriko. Luckily my plate is overflowing with work and school. So I really don't have time to write this entry. ;p

My only wish for us is that we can learn to love each other; we can learn
to live our dreams together; that we can grow old knowing that we have
found a partner in life.

I have given it considerable thought and I won't pay your loan.

I apologize; I have led you on; it was not my intention.

I am sure it is obvious to you that I want to give you all that I have,

all that I am. As romanticly as I view the world, however, I have no

choice but to realize that it takes time for two people to grow to the

level of trust and understanding that your parents have; that my parents

have. You and I are not ready to accept and share all that we are with

each other. But I think, I hope, and I believe that we can grow to that

place. It is my wish.

It has never been my desire to rush you. Even now, I feel a strong sense

of patience and gratitude towards you. I am happy to wait for you. You

help me to find courage and inspiration within myself.

I have lived my life taking the shortcut and I have paid for it dearly. I

don't wish to drag us down the same road.

You are wise in your desire to take your time. I welcome the opportunity

to grow, learn, and love with you.

Your Nick

I told Eriko that I needed her to meet my family. I don't know how she'll take
it, I really don't enjoy asking her to do things. I had to be honest, however,
I need to feel as if this relationship is going somewhere -- and her meeting my
family is the solution to that.

i can't concentrate on work, i can't figure out my homework

my body wants to do nothing but drink water

my mind wants to do nothing but figure you out

i'm scared; i'm alone

i don't know if you need me or my money

i know that doubt is part of everything; i feel it now

it tears me up; it kills my motivation; it destroys my confidence

it isn't your fault; nothing is; this is my doubt, my worry

i hate it, but it is part of who i am, something i must learn to live
with, something i must learn to be proud of

as i am proud of the man i am; even though i can't see that now

a woman who will leave behind all she knows to begin an adventure with me
a woman who understands that a little appreciation goes a long way
a woman who realizes that appreciation is never habitual but heartful
a woman who knows how to break me and never does
a woman who treats my love as a limited and valuable resource
a woman who lets me love her
a woman who learns to love me

Sweeeeet, I got another 100. All this means is that I've got to keep it up! It was a little difficult to concentrate on dynamic & linear programming tonight, however, as I was thinking of Eriko. I am a little frustrated that she hasn't met my family yet. That seems to be a very crucial step along the road for us to get married. What is confusing is that she is willing to allow me to pay off her loan, but she doesn't seem to let me buy her a ticket. She may be willing, but she isn't putting forth the effort to research or reserve the ticket -- which I guess is where my real angst lies. Anyway, I thought about it and decided that it is incorrect for me to push her; if she doesn't want to visit I'll just deal with it.

Life is about learning of yourself; today is one of those confusing days for me. I'm upset and overwhelmed. Work and school are pressures and they can be pretty frustrating, but I seem to be able to stay calm and ride out the storm. My heart, however, is another matter. Paying off Eriko's loan is a strange thing -- but mainly it seems like I am setting myself up for hardship. My naive and trusting heart wants to believe that because we told each other we wanted something, we will both live up to those desires; but my brain is too experienced to let me get away with it. I have been down this road before. I didn't like what I saw. I keep hoping I can find this woman who can appreciate me in such a way -- a way I can't even describe. Bailey, for instance. She still scratches me once in a while; she still bites me. But she makes me feel needed and even though she is only a cat and has but the most primitive form of expression, I feel love. Perhaps I am naturally scared and jaded!
from real human interaction; my mother's love has never been equalled in a woman -- and yet I have this romantic, naive view that I will find a woman who will love me more. Am I crazy? Or just stupid?

I send an email to Eriko and inform her of my red-light ticket; of course my email is completely biased and I ridicule the officer and the ticket, labeling the latter as stupid. I'm not sure what I was expecting but apparently it was different then what I received based on the mental shock my system has gone through. Eriko's opinion is that I'm stupid and I deserve the ticket. My first reaction was laughter; followed by confusion, indignation, and discomfort. Finally I returned to laughter and composed a response in which I told her that I wouldn't be presenting her opinion to the judge. Oh, and that I never said I was smart.

I'm not with my mom to help her celebrate, but I'm thinking about her. Thanks for everything you've done, do, and will do, momma. I love you.

I'm going to wire Eriko some money today. I won't pay off her loan in one shot;
its just too much. I am not independently wealthy... shucks. This is strange for me... but I trust her.

The word Eriko used to describe herself. She's torn -- to be with me or not to be; to be near her family or not. Even though she sends me no explanation, I can emphathize. She must do as she pleases, it is her life she leads. I have no choice but to continue to focus on myself and cling firmly to the hope that she has helped me to rediscover. Astra inclinant, non necessitant.

Busy! I road David's bike to work this evening -- mainly because I wanted to
get some excercise and we all know that what goes down must come up (or something like that. ;) I have a challenging weekend ahead of me -- a homework assignment on NP approximation algorithms (which I am quite fuzzy) and a deadline on Monday (which I feel a little behind). Tempus neminem manet -- time waits for no one. tehe, I didn't know that, I found it on a website : http://users.hol.gr/~posi/latin.htm.

One hundred is the percentage right I got on my last homework; eighty six is the cost of the ticket I received for "running" a red light. I will contest it; the only reason I received it was because the officer was directly astern -- yes, I knew he was there. He's colorblind, that's what I say! ;P At work I am swamped and feeling a little overwhelmed but I hope to get everything in line soon. My next homework is looking real good, just one more problem to solve. Hopefully the next will be a little more lax so I can devote extra time to work. Across the dateline, Eriko asked if I would pay off her loan today. Sometimes I wonder if she is testing me or just lacks nerve (or both); after I agreed she reneged her request.

NP reductions -- fun! Eriko is performing in a play as the daughter of a dentist. I wonder how often it is that you play a character that mimics your own -- or in this case, the description of the character. ;P Looking forward to a busy, productive week.

After careful deliberation, I will agree that common interests are a
defining characteristic of good relationships. Even if opposites attract
they still must share the common interest of remaining together, for
better or worse. To my knowledge, this will supersede all other interests.
Whether it too is fleeting is really a question that only time answers;
at the start of the show many people take the vow, at the end most are not
worthy of a bow.